I remember some awkward smiles, some unsexy grunts, the faint smell of alcohol. The rest is sort of a blur, really. I can say this for certain, however: moments rarely come less cinematic. I’ve got some regrets, sure, but one thing seems to rise above all else: I wish the soundtrack were better. For those of you who’ve yet to experience such a magical moment, here’s a mixtape for your wallet. It pays to be safe, after all.
James Brown, “Get Up (I Feel Like Being A) Sex Machine”: Imagine this, as our moment of passion draws to a sweaty peak, two men in suits enter from the other room, throw a cape over my back and exit. Tearfully (tears of joy, naturally), I toss I throw the cape off, ready for my encore performance. Pompadour not essentially, but certainly recommended.
The Ramones “Judy is A Punk”: It’s your first time, let’s be honest, you’re not exactly post-tantric Sting here. For effect you want a piece of music you can potentially outlast. At one minute 30 seconds, this late-70s punk masterpiece seems timed about right, but just to be on the safe side, you might want to pick up the band’s 1979 live record, It’s Alive. That one’s one minute 13—factor in the foreplay and you’re good to go. Considered for a second tossing a jam from the Minutemen on the list, but now you’re just heading into the area of self-fulfilling prophecy.
The Supremes “Up the Ladder to the Roof”: Honestly dudes, if Mary Wilson circa 1970 doesn’t give you a boner, it’s probably best just to return your merchandise—you’re not going to need it. Bonus points for the unexpected instrumental soul-funk breakdown just before the two-minute mark courtesy of The Funk Brothers.
The Beatles “Helter Skelter”: Yeah, yeah, I know, nothing kills the mood like a frank discussion about the Manson Family’s misguided political stances and liberal use of fetal blood, but hear me out here. Anything that affords one to shout a line like “I got blisters on my fingers!” at the precise moment of climax deserves to be revisited. And you thought Ringo Starr would never do anything for your sex life.
Pixies “La La Love You”: This is a sexy song, so long as you don’t picture a modern day Frank Black doing the whistling during the intro. For those who hoping to make magic after the prom or in a dorm room, there’s a certain amount of perpetual rock cred that comes with the Pixies, and when pulling from their oeuvre, one can do a lot worse than this track from Doolittle, like, say, “I Bleed,” which may well prove to hit a little too close to home. Ew.