This is where I run down the albums that dropped to stores this week, but to be frank, I’m a little distracted. Today sees the debut album release from… Vagina Panther. I just typed those letters, in sequence, on purpose. This is a real band, that has a real album, that you can go to a retail establishment and buy. Can you imagine if such a thing had existed in our grandfather’s time? He would have spit out his lemonade in sheer horror. Have we become so inured to vaginas that we can just trot down to Sam Goody and say to the clerk “Sir, I’d like to purchase Vagina Panther’s self-titled CD, Vagina Panther. Here is my club card for a significant discount.” I mean, Jesus!
Morrissey – Swords – I’ll tell you this, Morrissey would never have anything to do with a vagina panther. The very idea would hurt his feelings. Didn’t he collapse on stage a few days ago? Somebody probably told him that his record was coming out on the same day as freaking Vagina Panther’s. This is just a collection of B-sides, which is kind of silly, because Morrissey fans are so OCD and/or Mexican that they have them already.
Shwayze – Let It Beat – Oh, this is the guy what was on that reality show with that Cisco Adler douchebag. Seriously, what happened to hip-hop? How did we go from Public Enemy to this in two decades? Has any musical genre fallen off so hard? I can only hope that Vagina Panther is hip-hop of some variety so that Shwayze has something to feel good about.
Carrie Underwood – Play On – I would completely panther Carrie Underwood’s vagina. Seriously the hottest chick to ever be on American Idol, even including Adam Lambert. Man, you already know what’s on this record: boring nu-country sung by a hot broad. Rumors of a Ne-Yo collaboration were swirling, but the cut didn’t make the album, probably because white people listen to this and they don’t like being reminded that they’re white, even by Ne-Yo.
Gift Of Gab – Escape 2 Mars – This is the guy from Blackalicious and I’m not going to make any Vagina Panther jokes in writing about his new solo record because he is pretty great. One of the most gifted MCs to ever pick up a mic, this new joint features guests by Brother Ali and Del Tha Funkee Homosapien, among others. This is the token “good album” this week, so please go get it.
Weezer – Raditude – I don’t even know what to think about Weezer anymore. I mean, Rivers Cuomo is such a weird-ass dude and they pretty much just have a million songs that sound the same now. I remember when a new Weezer album was like a freaking event, like reading the words “Vagina Panther” next to each other for the first time. Now it’s no big deal. Rivers needs to get crazy Brian Wilson fat, take a few years off, and start over. Instead, he’s putting out records with songs called “In The Mall” and getting Lil’ Wayne to guest. Seriously, dudes, the world already has one Barenaked Ladies too many.
Vagina Panther – Vagina Panther – After all that, they’re just another sort of noisy indie rock band with an Asian chick singer. What a waste.