Sassy Autotune Hell: The Grim Legacy Of Uffie, The Rise Of Ke$ha

Whatever happened to the smart, sassy girl rap? Time was you couldn’t walk down the street without tripping over a hard as nails lady with a massive puffy jacket rhyming about how awesome her vagina was. Well, Salt and Peppa split up, Neneh Cherry just does cookery shows now (I think) and need I say it but R.I.P. LEFT EYE. No, we live in a fallen age, an age of horror. The last good sassy girl rap I can think of was “Konichiwa Bitches” by Robyn and Lady GaGa is only good when she ISN’T rapping.

Fans of sassy girl rap may have been particularly wounded by Uffie, a trustifarian starhumper who somehow coasted her way to making a couple of truly diabolical records and ruining a perfectly decent Justice Album. If you want to experience the true horror of Uffie, you can watch the video below our you can use a hive of enraged wasps as a sex toy (I’d go with the wasps):

Pretty bad, right? I’d rather french kiss a gorilla than listen to Uffie’s wannabe rhymes, weak-ass autotune flow and frankly inexplicable English Nanny diction. Maybe I already have! I’m not sure who would want to bite Uffie’s style (which is like wanting to make snow angels in dog-doo or getting the urge to contract all the herpes ever) but hell, someone did. Pray to your higher power, America, because Ke$ha has come to make you hate sound.

Yes, just like Gaga she used to hang out with Flo Rida, but that isn’t illegal – yet. Any discernible character or vulnerability in her vocal range buried behind layers of sticky autotune, Ke$ha paints a more damning picture of brain-dead party zombies than the DK’s “Too Drunk To F*ck” ever did. And she wants to be Uffie so terribly, terribly badly. Beck and Queen are listed as influences, but I’m sure I could have a conversation with those guys without wanting to die. I’m not sure what you did to deserve this, America, but god speed.

She’s due for a career relaunch. Take your families and run.

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