Oregon native and London 2012 Olympian Nick Symmonds is the bro-iest Olympic track and field star of all time. He’s been romantically linked to Paris Hilton, is the part owner of a tanning salon and is known as the “Brad Pitt of Track.” (This combination of actions is more commonly known as “hitting the Bro-Trifecta.”) Not Bro enough for you? Well how about the fact that he stirred up some bro-sized controversy in the London games when he auctioned off temporary tattoo space on his arm to a Milwaukee advertising company. GODDAMN THIS GUY IS BRO! Well, turns out that Symmonds set out to add to his legendary bro status this past week and attempt to be the first man to run a 5 Minute Beer Mile.
A 5-Minute Beer Mile is simple. Down a can of beer, run 1/4 mile, down another can of beer, run another 1/4 mile, down another can of beer, run 1/4 mile, down another can of beer and then run one last 1/4 mile. Do all that in under 5 minutes and you accomplish the 5 Minute Beer Mile. Clearly, this event is only meant for the most fit and able bodied bros. And no one has ever broken 5 minutes.
This week, Symmonds tried to make history. Sadly, Symmonds didn’t break the Beer Mile record but still posted a decent time. He ran the mile in 5:15, just shy of the 5:06 record held by Canadian runner Jim Finlayson.
Symmonds’ beer of choice for the run was Coors, which is kinda surprising for a bro of his stature. I thought he would be more of a Natty Ice kinda guy.
Eitan Levine is a New York City based comic. Follow him on Twitter at @Eitanthegoalie .