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‘Child Fight Club’ Opens Up In Delaware! Get Your Tickets Now!

daycare fight clubEver wonder what would happen if Tyler Durden opened up a daycare center for children? Well, I think we found the answer.

Three employees at Hands of our Future Daycare (More like “Fists of our Future”!), a daycare center in Dover, Delaware, came under fire this week as a video emerged that showed two 3-year-olds being forced to fight while 10 other students watched. Tiana Harris, 19, Estefania Myers, 21, and Lisa Parker, 47, the alleged ringleaders of this kiddie-cage match, got in trouble over a cellphone video of them egging on the two kids to keep fighting.

All jokes aside, this whole incident was pretty effed up. At one point in the video one of the kids can be heard yelling “He’s pinching me!” to which the employee responded “No pinching, only punching.” At another point one of the kids ran over to one of the adults seeking protection but was immediately turned around a forced back into the fight.

“Clearly one of the children is crying and does not want to continue on and he is pushed back into the fray by one of the adults,” said Dover police Captain Tim Stump who claimed that although neither child sustained any major injury, it was “painfully clear that they were hurting each other.”

The actual fight video will not be shown to parents or to the public because it has since been moved into evidence. Hands of our Future Daycare has had its business license suspended pending a hearing.

Although we weren’t at the fight, we can imagine that the following are the 8 rules of Kiddie Fight Club.

Rule #1- We do not talk about kiddie fight club.
Rule #2- We do NOT talk about kiddie fight club… even if your mommy asks.
Rule #3- If someone says “stop” or wants takes a nap then the fight is over.
Rule #4- Only two guys to a fight. No stuffed animals.
Rule #5- One fight at a time. One juice box per person.
Rule #6- No Shirts. No Shoes. No Bottles.
Rule #7- Fights will go on as long as they have to or until arts and crafts.
Rule #8- If this is your first time at kiddie fight club, you HAVE to fight.

Meanwhile, in Japan:

Eitan Levine is a New York city based comic. You can follow him on Twitter @Eitanthegoalie

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