News

Could Hologram Jesus Be the RNC Mystery Speaker?

Finally, we reach the last night of the RNC, but there’s still a giant mystery yet to be solved. There is a scheduled speaking slot in between Florida Senator Marco Rubio and Mitt Romney’s convention closing speech. This no name spot has the media outlets completely giddy about the mystery speaker. Here are who we think the Republican National Convention mystery speaker may be.

1. Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin RNC Mystery Speaker

Sarah Palin, reality show actress and self-proclaimed pitbull with lipstick, is a conservative rock star. If Romney really wants to bring down the house, she’d definitely whip the convention center into a frenzy. She’s even been known to elicit starbursts within her conservative fans.

Of course, this may not happen because Palin would no doubt overshadow Romney, making him seem boring and stealing all his headlines. Also, while linking himself with Palin may help with the base, to a general audience it’ll be worse than linking himself to some of Palin’s contemporaries such as Snooki and Honey Boo Boo.

2. Clint Eastwood

Clint Eastwood RNC Mystery Speaker

This one seems the most likely. For one, Fox News has a source that says Eastwood is the speaker and we all know that Fox News is the mouthpiece of the GOP hive mind. Second, Eastwood is a grizzled old actor who could deliver a great speech that wouldn’t overshadow Romney. In fact, Clint Eastwood might be the perfect pick because he’s exactly how Republicans imagine themselves. Handsome in a gritty sort of way, a hardass salt-of-the-earth guy who’s not to be messed with. Even if they’re really more like Archie Bunker.

3. A Jesus Hologram

Jesus Zoidberg

We’ve all seen the Tupac hologram, so why not take it to its logical end and bring back the one person Republicans will not shut up about bringing back: Ronald Reagan … erm … I mean Jesus, yeah, Jesus. They can even make Jesus look they way they’ve always wanted him to! Bring Jesus out clean-shaven with a jarhead haircut and a business suit with a power tie. A properly Republican Jesus. I can see the speech highlights now:

“Christianity: I Built It. … I can personally attest to the fact that Barack Hussein Obama has never prayed to me. … When I said it would be easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God what I really meant was job creators deserve massive tax cuts. … I may be the Prince of Peace, but even I know we need more more more war. Turn the other cheek has turned into let’s put a boot in that ass.”

4. Nancy Reagan

Nancy Reagan RNC Mystery Speaker

REAGAN! OMGZ!??!?! REAGAN! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I’m totes freaking out you guyz!

Sorry, the Republicans spirit of it all overtook me for a moment. Nothing can turn Republicans into “beliebers” faster than mentioning Reagan. They worship him like 12-year-old girls worship Edward Cullen.

So it’s safe to say Nance introducing Romney would be quite the boost to his campaign. It also would help with the convention’s clear theme. “We don’t hate you, women, just your uteruses (uteri?).”

5. Donald Trump

Donald Trump RNC Mystery Speaker

I can’t imagine someone worse to introduce Romney, which just might be why he would choose the Donald. The Republican base loves defying things, above all else the media. Nothing would send the media into a bigger frenzy condemning the choice. His standing up to the big bad bullies in “the lamestream media” would be a great opportunity for him to boost up the base. Nothing rallies the troops like an attack.

I’m kind of hoping for Trump, though. I think it would be hilarious.

**UPDATE** It was Clint Eastwood

Leave a comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 703 other followers