Dude! There comes a time when you’ve just gotta move on.
And this, my friend, is one of them.
Last year at about the time, Martin Douglas was under the knife to reattach his balls, after his drunken girlfriend Maria Topp tried her best to bite them off. She went to court last October and admitted being the ball biter, and got a suspended sentence and a restraining order to keep her away from Douglas, but somehow managed to stay out of jail.
You’d think 19 stitches to re-attach your balls would be enough for any guy to want to keep a woman away from his package. But oh, no! True love never dies. The Daily News says the loving couple hooked up in a bar in March and decided to give it another go. Seems Martin missed his lovely 45-year-old Maria, and probably everything was feeling better down there.
Gives new meaning to the phrase “she’s got you by the balls,” doesn’t it?
By June, the affair fizzled out, and Douglas, probably afraid for his package, reported she breached her restraining order. And here we are again, a year later, in the same place. Back in court with with a woman who apparently doesn’t understand what “give them a little nibble, love” means.
She’s admitted breaking the restraining order, and this time around, my fair lady will pay the British equivalent of about $250, with the court taking about $25 a week from the woman’s “Jobseeker’s Allowance,” which is probably like welfare or unemployment here in the U.S.
And the story should end there, right, with everyone going on their merry British way? But no, Maria’s feeling jilted because Martin turned her in for contacting him, and says she can’t remember biting off his testicles, anyway. She said she may have ripped them off accidentally as they “tussled.”
Just how drunk do you have to be to forget you did something like that, anyway?
Besides, she says the second time around, the relationship wasn’t sexual. Ya think?
‘It wasn’t sexual, we would go out for meals and drinks. I wasn’t ready for a full on relationship.’
Get a clue, lady! He wasn’t letting you near there again! But then, they got into a fight during a storm, and Maria found herself cuffed and in trouble. Cue the violins, because her feelings are hurt.
“I never thought he would do something like this. It is a stab in the back. People think I am some sort of savage because of the testicle thing but I’m not that sort of person.’
Martin isn’t talking this time around about Maria. But after the attack last year, he said the pain “was like steam from a red-hot kettle burning you. The amount of blood was unbelievable.”
And you went back for more! WTF, dude?