Murdered Queens jogger Karina Vetrano wrote a prolific blog in which she revealed her inner most thoughts about everything from sex and love to Charles Manson’s murders and her own funeral.
In one post, now hauntingly, Vetrano describes her own memorial service. It starts:
Have you ever found solace in the thought of dying?…Sometimes when I’m feeling really sad & lonely and misunderstood I wonder, if right now, at this age & this time of my life if by some freak accident I died, what would happen? I think about all of the different people from different times of my life that would attend my funeral.
New York police have a suspect in custody in the murder of slain jogger Karina Vetrano.
ABC 7 said Vetrano’s parents had spoken out about the case again on February 2 hoping to get more attention to it, but no other details were released about the suspect. The revelation that a suspect was in custody in the high-profile slaying emerged on February 4.
The post is called “porcelain.” “There is a sadness to the summer,” she wrote in another post, continuing:
There are ghosts haunting me…reminding me of their death. I have fantasies of a fairytale; some happy ending… And all these things are killing me; the aching of yearning for something so close yet so far. I dwell in the depths of all that is lost. I find solace in that emptiness of the missing; I find comfort in the abyss of yesterday’s promises.
She ended another post, “DEVIL, why’d you ever cross my path?”
In addition to a vivacious social media presence, on Instagram and Twitter, Vetrano wrote the blog at www.karinavee.com that she called, “a collection of conversations, contradictions, & poetic conflicts.” The blog is a very intimate look into the feelings and thoughts of the 30-year-old jogger, whose funeral on Aug. 6 was attended by 400 people. She also wrote about boyfriends, past relationships, and love.
Karina Vetrano. (Facebook)
Vetrano was murdered and possibly sexually assaulted when she went jogging alone in a Queens park frequented by transients on Aug. 2. Her father found her battered body; she had fought her killer, and had clumps of grass in one hand from possibly being dragged as well as broken teeth. No suspect has been identified in the case.
“Karina Vetrano liked to post photos online of her night life, and spend the morning afterward unpacking her pain and passion as a writer,” The New York Times wrote.
Here are some of the most haunting and poignant excerpts from her blog:
In The Blog On Her Funeral, Vetrano Painted a Vivid Picture of How She Envisioned It
Karina Vetrano.
She wrote:
“I think about the pictures on the collages that would be made for my memorial and the memories my friends would remember sharing with me, in tears. I think of how the girls I lost touch with from elementary school would always remember as the girl I was long before anyone really knew me. I think of my ex-boyfriends – who would all attend – and how they will carry an unresolved guilt for the way they broke my heart, all in their own way. I think of my family only for a few seconds, because their pain brings me no solace. I play out what my eulogy would sound like, and how only my best friend would know exactly what to say.”
“It sounds morbid, I’m sure, a bit disturbing maybe, but I’ve done it ever since I was a little girl in order to cope with feeling alone at times in this downright scary world. And it always calms me down.”
“It helps me realize that all these stupid little events that happen, that I think are so catastrophic and meaningful aren’t so at all. And that in the big picture of life, it’s only the good stuff that will be accounted for.”
She Wrote About the Charles Manson Murders & Said She Was Most Horrified By The Assault on One of the Victims
Karina Vetrano (Instagram).
That blog post is called, “51 Times.”
“In 1969, one of the most famous American murders took place at 10099 Cielo Drive, constructed by the infamous Charles Manson. Although all the deaths were horrific, the one that struck me the most was of Wojciech Frykowski. He had been shot twice, struck over the head 13 times and stabbed 51 times. 51 times.
It was the severity of how someone can continue to kill and kill and kill long after the man was dead that gave me a sinking feeling. How sick someone can be, how much vengeance someone has inside of themself, to be so ruthless over an innocent person. Stabbed 51 times.”
And that’s how I feel, right now, because of you. I feel completely mutilated. I feel the knife wounds in every inch of my tiny body. I feel the open wounds burning, burning, bleeding. And you kept going, and going, and going. Because it wasn’t enough damage after the first 50.
What you did, you took it to a whole other level. Your shameless lack of guilt; your merciless self-denial of all your wrong doings- they fascinate me.
You shot me, bludgeoned me, you stabbed me until there was not a piece of my flesh left untorn. And now there’s not a part of me that feels alive, but you would keep stabbing if I let you.
And I don’t know why.”
In another posting, she vividly described a teenage rape.
Vetrano Wrote the Blog to Document Moments She Was ‘Terrified Will Get Lost’ & Mused That We All Know We Will Die Eventually
Karina Vetrano (Instagram)
“I write to savor the moments that I’m terrified will get lost and forgotten somewhere in time if I don’t document them. I write with the deepest intention to create a connection to anyone who takes the time out to read what I have to say. I write with the hopes that I can be understood; that I won’t feel so lost inside my own head, and that you, too, might find that solace as well…”
“Most of the time I am thinking of ways in how I can be better, do better, feel better- whatever ‘better’ really is. I spend the majority of my life in deep thought about everything. I think about how we all know were going to die, and yet that doesn’t seem to matter to any of us right now. How stupid and immature we all act, every one of us, when we focus on bullshit, when we are mean, and harbor anger. When we hurt people just to bring them down, when we put on fronts and play games with people we care most about – how completely pointless all that is, when we have a limited time here.”
She Wrote About Satan in a Post That Quoted Isaiah 14:12: ‘How Are You Fallen From Heaven, O Lucifer, Son of The Morning…’
Karina Vetrano (Instagram)
“In Christianity, Lucifer refers to devil or ‘Satan,'” Vetrano wrote in the post she called Paradox. “Lucifer was cast into hell because he acted against God’s wishes and rebelled against Him. The name Lucifer means ‘morning star,’ or ‘the light bearer,’ with reference to his former beauty as the most gorgeous of angels, before God threw him to hell. Anything which tempts, lures, prompts a man to sin and causes contempt in the eyes of God is said to be an act of Satan. Thus we can see that Lucifer had a rather beautiful but non-divine poetic origin…”
“I am an Angel
full of purity.
I am an Angel
yearning for maturity.
I am an Angel
whose wings are so wide,
ready to take flight.
I am an Angel
with a dark side.”
She made biblical references in other posts. One ended, “Everybody wants a taste of fruit from the prettiest girl in the Garden.” Another post was simply called biblical. It started,
“serpent,
you crawl
so preciously
around my ankle, so professionally.
i feel you sliver, so creepily
continuing to wrap around, so sneakily.
bite me once, i may complain
break my flesh, i feel the pain
watch my blood; i watch in vain.”
She Described an Encounter With a Man Who Approached Her While She Was Running & Another Befriending a Drunken Veteran on a Train
Karina Vetrano (Instagram)
In a post called “Thrills,” Vetrano described meeting a stranger who approached her while running.
“A man stopped me while I was running in the park one day
and he knew my life struggles just by my stride.
He took my two hands in his and told me:
‘You are way too valuable to sell yourself short for a guy.’
By the slight of my sad smile, he knew what my weakness was
and with his eyes in mine he said:
‘A Man will fake love for sex, & a woman will fake sex for love.'”
She also described how she talked to a drunken man on a train.
“As I was trying to tie my boots- because I didn’t even have the time to put them on properly before I got onto the train- a man in front of me says ‘Don’t worry, get yourself together,’ I guess thinking I was embarrassed about being in my socks in the middle of the A train in November. I looked up and gave him a quick smile. He said something else, and somehow I was now engaged in a conversation with him. I soon realized that he was drunk, and the water bottle he was holding was not holding water.
I didn’t fear John. Instead, I moved closer to him to hear him better, despite being subjected to smelling the strong stench of cheap vodka on his breath. He was on his way from work at Pathmark to his psychiatrist. John was a Vietnam Vet, and in his words he had a disorder that made him ‘forget his personality’ from before he went to war…
Looking at his bottle, I asked why he thought he needed it. John and I spoke that train ride about alcoholism, war, the mind, life, death and I believe it impacted both of our lives, even if for just that train ride. He said he already felt like he was dead; that life wasn’t worth living. He tried to describe that by being in the war, he felt like he was living in someone else’s grave. He told me that for such a young girl, I knew him more than his own son. Sure, he was drunk, but what I gained from a drunk, Vietnam Vet with a psychological disorder will stay with me forever; what I gained was the opportunity to make someone feel important, approachable, understood, and maybe most of all- not alone.”
Vetrano Wrote About Passion, Sex, Love & Bad Relationships, Sometimes in Vivid Terms
Karina Vetrano. (Instagram)
She titled one post, “F–k(ing) You.” It starts,
“Your thick tongue
rubs against mine.
Our heads turn violently from side, to side.
The taste of your saliva is my favorite aphrodisiac,
along with the smell of your sweat on your skin.
And I’m soaking;
I’m soaking it all in….”
The post describes sex in passionate and vivid terms.
Vetrano Wrote About a Ticking Clock & Controlling Destiny
Karina Vetrano. Instagram
She called this blog post Closing Time.
“Watching the clock, waiting for it.
But when you’re waiting for something that’s not meant to nor intended to arrive, you’re fighting a futile battle with time. You pray for the gods to instill their virtuous patience in you, you make deals with them that you know you’ll never be able to keep but faith is all you have. You allot yourself X amount of time you are willing to wait, and it is all in vain. A diminished hope eats away at you. What’s left is a broken aching heart and a head full of fear.
I can plead and beg with fate, for the hands to work in my favor, but who am I to try and control what’s not in my destiny. The hardest part of it all, is accepting that.
Tick, tock.”
Many of Vetrano’s Posts Focus On Love, Either Lost Love or Hopes For Future Love
Karina Vetrano (Instagram)
She called one post, My One & Only.
“I wonder…
what he looks like.
His style, how his voice sounds, the shape of his teeth,
his eyebrows, and fingers.
What our apartment will look like
when we decorate it together.
How our fights will play out
and how our f—ing will feel.
I wonder
what he majored in,
and where he wants to travel.
His favorite childhood memory,
favorite movie, band, candy, and ice-cream flavor.
I wonder what secret he has kept
never feeling secure enough to share with anyone, until me.
I wonder how I’ll know;
when and where I’ll meet him.
But most of all
I wonder what his name is.”