Here’s list of the best, funniest tweets of the year all in one place. From the dark, to the light, to the topical, to the brilliant, all in 140 character bits. There is nothing scientific or objective about these choices, but that doesn’t mean that they’re aren’t all exactly correct.
"poetry is gay" you said as the world around you hummed with a mysterious energy & the people that you never noticed felt joy & love & pain
— John (@sidewalk_yawn) January 5, 2013
Oh, you lost your phone and it's on silent? That's too bad. If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it.
— Naazihah (@naazihah) May 4, 2013
The Boston Bomber on the cover Rolling Stone is shameless, but they've put the guy who shot Kurt Cobain on the cover a few times too
— Ray DeVito (@raydevito) July 17, 2013
"hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?" "hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot" *cops bust down door*
— dubstep4dads (@dubstep4dads) September 4, 2013
I'm just bummed that Ariel Castro was the one that got to strangle Ariel Castro.
— Gerry Duggan (@GerryDuggan) September 4, 2013
.@AnnCoulter You are a human YouTube comment.
— Dan for the holidays (@asimplemachine) July 14, 2013
cover letter: hi my mom is making me apply for this job and i don't want it. if you call me for an interview i will burn your business down.
— Sad Tiger (@SaddestTiger) March 12, 2013
I'm disgusted when I see some old guy with a younger woman. Or a younger guy with a younger woman. Just couples. Or groups. Any person.
— Joss Whedon (@josswhedon) June 7, 2013
Is meth vegan?
— Seth Rogen (@Sethrogen) August 24, 2013
I don’t care how bad Justin Bieber is on SNL. He’s still way more successful than any of us were when we were her age.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) February 10, 2013
Being gay isn't a choice. But so what if it was? Sure beats the decision to be a hateful prick.
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) March 26, 2013
i prefer 6O9 where you are both curled up around a big pizza
— bread (@zoebread) September 7, 2013
OK son, I can tell you. But the more interesting question is where are babies going
— Froghammer (@froghammer) April 14, 2013
If you fall down in public the best thing to do is stay down, use your fingernails to dig your way to another country then start a new life.
— Count Grim (@grimpossible) April 4, 2013
CNN just reported that I had a good time in high school.
— Todd Barry (@toddbarry) April 17, 2013
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: "Got a new joke for you." NSA: "Heard it."
— Nein. (@NeinQuarterly) June 12, 2013
Why are all ghosts from the Victorian era? How come no one sees a 15-year-old ghost named Jayden wearing a Justin Bieber t-shirt?
— Riki Lindhome (@rikilindhome) August 3, 2013
Congrats to Miley Cyrus – the first white woman to reach the top of CNN's home page without going missing.
— Matt Goldich (@MattGoldich) August 26, 2013
Ten minutes into the #governmentshutdown and I've already developed a taste for human flesh.
— Phil Nista (@PhilNista) October 1, 2013
WAYS TO KILL 2 BIRDS W/ 1 STONE 1 Ricochet 2 Retrieve, rethrow 3 Line up birds precisely 4 Huge boulder 5 Use lovebirds, 2nd dies of grief
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) April 10, 2013
Women shouldn't work outside the home. It's STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) August 26, 2013
Is it OK if I abbreviate Oklahoma?
— much too chainz haha (@youturnmejon) July 24, 2013
so messed up how you need to own a shirt to go in & buy a shirt
— Sean (@SeanBlazed) August 18, 2013
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it, now I live in constant fear.
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) June 19, 2013
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she's a victim of Rachel profiling.
— Trevor S (@trevso_electric) June 8, 2013