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If you were ever a fan of the show Smallville, you knew that 80% of the episodes meant nothing. The show would open, something spooky would happen, they’d cut to that awesome theme song and you could basically tune out until the last 10 minutes to see what the takeaway was and what the song playlist you had to go download was going to be. The show always had three or four key moments: a killer season opener, a February sweeps episode when someone important died or left and a cliffhanger season finale. But the rest of it was schlock. I loved it. But it was schlock.
No serious plot line was advanced at all, on any level. Clark and Lana had an awkward moment. Lex was shady but oddly sympathetic. Some random came and went.
That was this past weekend in the NFL Season.
Brady and company were still a hang around team, because the Bengals were still a team that you can’t trust. The NFC South still has no defense. The AFC East is eye-roll inducing. The NFC West is still filthy good. Denver is still great. Dallas is getting ready to let its fanbase down. Washington is still a horrendous dumpster fire. So we didn’t really learn anything last week. But, as Fox News likes to remind us, learning is overrated. More NFL Football!
Onward.
HALF-WATCH
Lions at Vikings (TV: FOX, 1 P.M. ET)
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The Vikings basically took a knee on national television last Thursday by not rushing back Teddy Bridgewater and letting Green Bay do as many unspeakable things to them as appear in a typical movie starring Jesse Jane. Meanwhile, the Lions proved that they haven’t learned as much as we’d all hoped about not doing stupid things, and wound up facilitating this happening. God, Lions, how could you? Part of me wanted to make this a hate-watch, but the joy in seeing “Gloves” back on the field conquered that urge. I am deeply intrigued by what the Vikings will be this year with that kid and his potential. This is arguably the best division in football. Give this game a glance, because both of these two teams are hard to predict.
HATE-WATCH
Patriots at Bills (TV: FOX, 1 P.M. ET)
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These two teams are playing for first place in that division. Think about that for a second. The Bills — who just benched their first-round draft pick quarterback for the Neckbeard — and Tom Brady’s angst-filled Patriots are playing. One of them will win the division and it is not immediately clear to anyone which team we should favor. Good luck handicapping this one, Casino Joe. The fact that someone has to win this division is enough to hate this game. The fact that it’s probably going to be a Patriots team intent on nickel and dimming its way through Tom Brady’s sunset years and then getting whipped in the opening round of the playoffs is just disgusting. Do your worst, Twitter.
HAVE-TO-WATCH
Cowboys at Seahawks (TV: FOX, 4:25 P.M. ET)
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This is a RedZone weekend. Lots of games, none of them that compelling. Except for this one. Everyone is falling into the trap that they love to fall into with the Dallas Cowboys, but frankly, if they win this game, it will actually be deserved. Seattle is at home, where they should be automatic, and will probably pick off Tony Romo at least four times before the game is over. It will also probably rain. These are all the probables. But they play the games for a reason. If Dallas runs the ball the way they’re capable of, this is a sneaky good game which will give all of the talking heads something to blather about.
Random Aaron Sorkinism Of The Moment
Toby: I met with Congresswoman Wyatt today.
Bartlet: When you were married to her, did you call her Congresswoman Wyatt?
Toby: No, sir.
Bartlet: Sometimes I call my wife Dr. Bartlet.
Toby: I call her Andy or, uh, Andrea.
Bartlet: OK.
Toby: Mandatory minimums.
Bartlet: You’re whipped, my friend.
Toby: Sir.
Bartlet: No, she’s been talking to you for a year about mandatory minimums. You’ve been saying no. Looks like we know who wears the pants in the Ziegler family.
Toby: You call your wife Dr. Bartlet?
Bartlet: Just for the turn-on.
Have a great weekend everyone. Go Cards!