The Ultimate NFL Viewing Guide for Week 16

(Getty)

(Getty)

Evolution is real. Evolution is real not because of something immediately newsworthy but because our race is figuring out how to not destroy itself and our planet. Cars are the worst thing we’ve ever invented. It kills countless people every year and we’re all cool with that because we all think that *WE* are the one good driver on this lovely, comfortable thing that takes us where we’d like and it’s so fashionable and I picked it so it must be good.

It sucks. You suck. All of us suck. Cars are nothing more than a killing machine and we all destroy each other with it every year. So what has our evolutionary instincts been inventing? Reasons not to have one. Better places to live and more vivacious lives online (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram) and addictive apps on our phone that make travel an irrelevance. You know what Tinder truly is? A time saver. A threat to bars and clubs everywhere. I don’t need to send a shot to the comely brunette in the corner, I can just see if she swiped right and meet her later.

We’re in the midst of the Great Correction. Are the people engineering these things after anything other than fame, money or hotter sexual partners? Of course not! That’s how every great evolutionary step works. We don’t know we’re pawns in fixing and saving our race. We’re not all this; our genetic instinct to recognize that we’re killing ourselves and maybe we shouldn’t do that because I have a hot date this Friday is what drives us internally and it’s what will save us from ourselves.

The Internet is the methadone cure for the heroin that was oil. Oil, fueling our cars and our homes and our every interaction, was everything. It was a drug that controlled us for far too long. We’ve found another drug to combat it, addicts we are. The Internet. We have online lives now. Lives that need monitoring, but that monitoring doesn’t mean travel. Sure we travel, as they did in the time of trains and horses, because life dictates that that we do so, but for the personal stuff, for the things we do day to day, for the interactions that burned oil like “Going to Judy’s house” or “Sam is having people over” on a grand scale of minimal movement from millions of people; we are, slowly but surely, skipping those things. Sam talks to his friends about that movie on Facebook. Judy sneaks in the dude she wanted to come over from Tinder rather than having 30 other people over for a party.

We’re figuring it out. It’s a clash against the current order, to be clear, but we as a First-World species, are figuring it out. It just doesn’t look that way when you look at it. It looks like ants scattering. That’s always what it looks like when you are also an ant.

So while this NFL season saw all of the quarterbacks we thought were the evolution of football regress like hell, as a species we’re doing better than we think. Even if we don’t always think so.

Football?

Onward.

HALF-WATCH

Browns at Panthers (TV: CBS, 1:00 P.M. EST)

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(Getty)

Provided Cam Newton is healthy, two of the most scrutinized college athletes ever could be facing off. That alone is worth a glance. Also, it’s Johnny Football and the prospect that he’ll get it together or be utterly terrible. There are lots of good games this week, so don’t invest in this unless you’re looking for something to justify the adult beverage you’re consuming whilst procrastinating about your holiday shopping.


HATE-WATCH

Falcons at Saints (TV: FOX, 1:00 P.M. EST)

matt ryan, atlanta falcons

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One of these objectively terrible teams are likely to make the playoffs and a clearly more deserving team will not. Now, to be fair, I like both of these teams, but intellectually, that is terrible. But hey, the good news is that the loser definitely won’t. The post-holiday hot takes about the division are going to be all you hear about, with the intensity of a major national tragedy, and for that, this division to is to blame. Bring your hate. Choose the dark side. Pretend these two teams are your relatives that are hard to shop for.


HAVE-TO-WATCH

Ravens at Texans (TV: CBS, 1:00 P.M. EST)

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(Getty)

Two playoff chasing teams? Awesome. By the way, I am the person that is impossible to shop for. I want nothing. If I want or need something, I buy it myself. I am a single adult male. Since my relatives will not buy me fancy craft beer or booze, give me gift cards or just don’t buy me anything. I’m old now, I don’t give a damn.


Seahawks at Cardinals (TV: NBC, 8:30 P.M. EST)

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(Getty)

The things the Seahawks defense are going to do to Ryan Lindley are NSFW. God that team is terrifying when they have their act together in the land of constant rain and Starbucks.


Broncos at Bengals (TV: ESPN, 8:30 P.M. EST)

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(Getty)

A late season Monday Night Football game that isn’t objectively terrible? It’s a Christmas miracle! Congress should mandate flex scheduling. It might help their approval rating move higher than “banging your toe against the bed post” in the next poll.


SKEPTICAL SIERRA’S DOG OF THE WEEK

Skeptical Sierra

Whether it be Tony Kornheiser having Reginald The Monkey pick or Drew Magary having Nazi Bill Simmons pick, people often use random stuff in order to talk about the weird nature of gambling. Casino Joe lives and dies every Sunday, and I do not want to do that. Plus, it’s quite likely he’ll wind up in someone’s trunk. Therefore, I’m having the dog in my apartment, Sierra, pick an underdog of the week.

This Week’s Game: Colts +3 against the Cowboys

The Colts are getting points and we’ve established that, as an all white dog and a closet racist, Sierra responds to teams with primarily white outfits. But objectively, I like where the pups head is at here. DeMarco Murray is either not going to play or is going to be of limited effectiveness. The Cowboys are weak at home. The Colts are a quality team. And it’s not like the Dog can go better than .500 for the year, so screw it.

Sierra’s 2014 Record: 2-4

Bad Dog.


Random Aaron Sorkinism Of The Moment

Josh: An hour with you in a rare book store. Couldn’t you just drop me off the top of the Washington Monument instead?

Bartlet: It’s Christmas, Josh! No reason we can’t do both.

Enjoy the weekend and the games, everyone.