Marsha Revel, the judge who had been tasked with somehow keeping Lindsay Lohan from making a damn fool of herself or, you know, dying, has recused herself from Lohan’s case. The official story is that attorneys demanded that Revel, who has shown Lohan no mercy, step down after she made unauthorized contact with Lohan’s rehab center. Whatever the hell that means. After all, she’s the judge and it is my understanding that judges can do whatever the hell they want. I’ve watched Judge Dredd. I know the score.
But from the start it’s been obvious that Revel had no sympathy for Lohan’s ridiculous nonsense and good for her. She clearly wanted to put an end to Lohan’s crackwhorish ways so that we as a nation could finally be at peace, and if that meant placing a few phone calls to her rehab center to check up on her then so be it.
But obviously, the attorneys overseeing the case were uncomfortable with Revel’s zealotry in cleansing Lindsay Lohan of her many sins (And let’s be honest here, all Lohan is at this point is sin. Take that away, and you just have a pile of red hair, freckles and boobs. Then again, I’m sure that’s good enough for most of you.) And maybe they’re right, maybe there is something insidious about Revel’s hardassery in regards to Ms. Lohan. I mean, there has to be something sinister at play here to make a judge call a rehab center. Such barbaric cruelty. It’s a wonder Lohan hasn’t been driven insane by such treatment, her mind and spirit both broken by a rampaging judge who indecently dared to – gasp! – check up on her.
Clearly, Judge Revel is a monster, and the only way to stop a monster is to understand just what it is that made them that way in the first place. So just why does Judge Marsha Revel hate Lindsay Lohan so much? We have a few theories, which have been put forward by leading scientists from Stephen Hawking to Ryan Seacrest. We’ll be accepting the Nobel on their behalf. Which is a mere formality given the surely stunning accuracy of these theories:
– Judge Revel hates redheads, dating back to a traumatic childhood accident involving her parents, a brutal beating/mugging, and Ronald McDonald.
– She thought that I Know Who Killed Me was the worst thing that she had ever seen in her life and she wouldn’t rest until the criminals behind such filth were held accountable for their sins.
– She hates big boobs because she is obviously jealous, just like all women amirite?
– She wanted to make sure that Lindsay Lohan was clean so that nothing could get in the way of the making of Machete, something I think we can all get behind.
– Judge Revel was once terrorized by twins who saw The Parent Trap and made a misguided attempt to emulate the film.
– She’s a mean girl and resented Lohan’s explosive exposé of her kind.
– She was angry because Lohan had somehow managed to deglamorize drugs, which in turn caused prices to fall, depressing the market and causing massive job loss in the industry, including the job of a ne’er do well nephew of hers who had finally found his niche cooking meth in a trailer out in the desert. He was forced to move in with her after the business went belly up and she blames Lohan.
– She once caught Lohan rifling through her apartment, looking for stuff she could sell to finance certain, uh, habits. Worse yet, she caught the girl trying on her robes, which she had to have deloused afterward.
– She just wanted to help. (This theory was the brainchild of a well meaning scientist who was laughed at and then roughed up by Seacrest and thrown out of the building.)
– She was sick of Lohan’s crap.
Surely, one of those theories has to be true. It’s just a shame that Judge Marsha Revel recused herself from Lindsay Lohan’s case before she could see the cleansing through. Whatever her reasons, she was getting the job done. In all likelihood, the next judge will personally apologize to Lohan and then give her a complimentary vile of cocaine in deference to her fame, er, I mean standing in the community. Judge Marsha Revel, you will be missed.