1. “He can’t satisfy you with his little worm / but I can bust you out with my super-sperm!”
Big Bank Hank, “Rapper’s Delight”
In what was arguably the song that started hip-hop, Big Bank Hank set the standard for insanely overblown brags in a verse written by Grandmaster Caz, when he not only started a beef with a fictional character, but claimed that his semen had been rocketed to his balls from the doomed planet Krypton.
2. “No one on the corner gotta bop like this / Can’t wear skinny jeans ’cause my knots don’t fit.”
Jay-Z, “Swagga Like Us”
On the first listen, it totally sounds like Jay-Z’s saying that his nuts don’t fit, but in reality he’s saying that he has so much money that even in today’s fast-paced world of debit cards, he needs cargo pants to carry it all around. Still, we like the first version a little better, if only because it makes us think of Hova locked in a dressing room at the Gap, yelling for Beyonce to get the salesman ’cause this shit ain’t gonna work.
3. “Some MC’s don’t like the KRS but they must respect him / ‘Cause they know this kid gets all up in they rectum / Slappin’ and selectin’ em, checkin’ em, disrespectin’ em / Just deckin’ em, deckin’ em, deckin’ em”
KRS-One, “MC’s Act Like They Don’t Know”
KRS-One claims that he sits down once a year with the Billboard Top Ten and writes one rhyme for each person on it that is so powerful that it could destroy their entire career. He put David Faustino in one of his videos. He has also written a Hip-Hop Bible that he claims will have a major world religion based on it within the next century. So when he says that, like the Iron Sheik, he’s going to have anal sex with you because you disrespected him, just keep in mind that there’s a good possibility that it’s the least crazy thing he’s said that day.
4. “Most critically acclaimed Pulitzer prize winner / Best storyteller thug narrator my style’s greater.”
Nas, “Hate Me Now”
Though as of this writing there is no Pulitzer given in the category of “Best Storyteller Thug Narrator,” there is one given out for music, though in 1999, it was awarded to Melinda Wagner for her Concerto for Flute, Strings and Percussion. This can only mean one thing: The Pulitzer Committee sided with Wagner during her legendary beef with Nas.
5. “Here’s a murder rap to keep ya dancin’ / With a crime record like Charles Manson.”
Ice Cube, “Straight Outta Compton”
Charles Manson is a noted cult leader and lifelong criminal who was convicted in 1971 of twenty-seven counts of murder and conspiracy.
Ice Cube was in Are We There Yet? and xXx: State of the Union.
6. “Feelin’ mad hostile, ran the apostle / Flowin’ like Christ when I speaks the gospel”
RZA, “Protect Ya Neck
Because if there’s one thing that sums up the teachings of Jesus of Nazareth, it is “Turn the other cheek and I’ll break ya fuckin’ chin.” Peace be with you, and Wu Tang Forever.
7. “Bow in the presence of greatness / Cause right now thou has forsaken us / You should be honored by my lateness / That I would even show up to this fake shit.”
Kanye West, “Stronger”
If we were honest with you, a completely accurate list of the ten most over-the-top brags in hip-hop would just be the ten most recent things that Kanye West has said. That guy brags like it’s a full-time job (which, now that we think of it, it is) but keep in mind that when he tells you that you should thank him for showing up two hours late to Bonaroo and only playing half a set, he is being totally serious. That is all we mortals deserve.
8. “My dick plays on a double feature screen / Your dick went straight to DVD.”
Mickey Avalon, “My Dick”
As you might expect from the title, “My Dick” is a song where Mickey Avalon, Dirt Nasty and Andre Legacy talk about their junk for three minutes. Seriously. That is all this song is about. To be honest, the refrain probably takes the cake for extreme bragging with the line “PS: We got dicks like Jesus,” but for us, comparing someone else’s dick to an off-brand flick like Transmorphers 2 is the dis icing on the brag-rhyme cake.
9. “I’m gonna break you off and that’s all / Every freak should have a picture of my dick on they wall.”
Powlow Da Don, “Throw Some D’s”
“Thanks for inviting us over for dinner, honey! Your mother and I haven’t seen your new apartment since you graduated, but it really looks nice! Oh look, you’ve got your diploma framed and… Uh… honey… what’s this picture next to the one of you and Grandma?”
10. “Not bitter or mad, just provin’ I’m bad / You want a hit? Give me an hour plus a pen and a pad.”
LL Cool J, “I’m Bad”
Originally, our joke for this one was going to be about how the fact that we couldn’t remember hearing an LL Cool J hit since 1995’s “Doin’ It” must mean there was a pen-and-pad shortage at Def Jam for the past fourteen years, but in doing research, we discovered that he recently released a single called “No Crew Is Superior” that ties in with his upcoming role in the CBS legal drama NCIS. So I guess that proved us wrong.