Worst Of Netflix: Fencer Of Minerva

Worst Of Netflix

Every two weeks, I put a movie in my Netflix queue that’s rated at one star. This is no easy task, as even a piece of cinema failure like Gigli is rated at one and a half stars. But for you, anything. This week:

Fencer of Minerva vol. 1: Emergence

1994

Starring:Bondage Fetishism and the Voiceover Department of Omaha’s bustling local theater community.

Saying that anime porn can be a little off-putting is like saying that eating Popeye’s Chicken for every meal doesn’t qualify as a heart-healthy diet. If you’ve seen any, you know that it’s pretty much a given, and Fencer of Minerva, while it lacks hentai’s signature tentacle monsters, certainly makes a heroic effort at being one of the most unarousing pieces of pornography since the Dustin Diamond sex tape.

This has a lot to do with the voice acting, which is disinterested to the point where the sex scenes sound almost sarcastic, but if we’re going to start complaining about lousy acting in cartoon pornos, we might as well quit now. Besides, the real horror comes from the story.

Everything starts normal enough with Doria, an idyllic kingdom that, like most idyllic kingdoms in anime, is toppled by a violent rebellion that sees the son of the king (Sho) separated from the daughter of the mustachioed usurper (Diana) and chucked off a cliff. Within the first ten minutes, though, the whole thing turns into the bastard child of Final Fantasy and Outlaw of Gor.

See, in Doria, all women are sex slaves. Every one of ’em. Yeah.

This makes Diana’s decision to go wandering around dressed as a man one of her poorer life choices, as it leads to her stealing a tauntaun, kidnapping virginal slave Fina right off the auction block, and riding out of the city where her mount is promptly eaten by flying piranhas. And really, it takes effort to make a story about flying piranhas suck this hard, but considering that the next thing that happens is that Fina and Diana are dropped into a rape camp by nomads, it’s safe to say that the makers managed to pull it off.

At the camp, the other slave-women indoctrinate Fina into the worlds of sapphic pleasure, forcing Diana to cooperate by threatening to give Fina another orgasm, and the fact that Diana’s immediate response is “oh no, anything but that!” gave us the idea that Fina should’ve referred to her as Princess Cockblock for the rest of the show.

After that, Diana’s chained up and whipped for a while as the nomads remark about how aroused it makes her, but in a shocking twist that’s neither shocking nor twisty, Sho returns wearing a comedically large mask to cover the tiny scar he got from being thrown off a cliff, fights a few barbarians, and then claims Diana as his own slave. Thus reunited, they have a round of hilariously overdubbed sex, and when Diana fails to wake him up the next warning, he lets her off easy with a light spanking. Then they have breakfast around a campfire with the guy who was whipping her to soften her up for her impending rape, but he turns out to be a stand-up guy who wants to help Sho reclaim his kingdom.

And this, I think, is meant to be a happy ending. Thanks, Japan.

Check out the Worst of Netflix archive.

1251216230_chris_sims.jpgChris Sims is a freelance comedy writer from South Carolina. He briefly attended USC before he dropped out to spend more time with Grand Theft Auto, and his career subsequently took the path that you might expect from someone who makes that sort of decision. He blogs at http://www.the-isb.com and creates comics at http://www.actionagecomics.com.