Every two weeks, I put a movie in my Netflix queue that’s rated at one star. This is no easy task, as even a piece of cinema failure like Gigli is rated at one and a half stars. But for you, anything. This week:
Starring: Stock Footage and Breasts
As hard as it might be to believe for our younger readers, there was a time before the Internet when unlimited hardcore pornography was not available at the touch of a button. It was a dark time to be a teenager, but it’s still difficult to not have fond memories of staying up ’til three in the morning, wired on Jolt Cola, watching HBO, hoping that the “Brief Nudity” promised in the pre-movie disclaimer wasn’t just going to be some dude’s ass again and praying for a broadcast of Real Sex 14.
Tomcat Angels, despite a 2003 DVD release designed to capitalize on the publicís desire for a sexier take on the Iraq War with the promise of a story “ripped from the headlines”, is a relic of those times: a straight-to-Cinemax feature that sounds like everyone is speaking through a heavy scarf with a guy laying into a Casio keyboard just off-screen. The plot, if you want to go so far as to call it that, involves a group of female Navy officers who get certified as pilots, hook up with their hunky instructors, and are then promptly sent to the Persian Gulf where one of them (owing largely to the fact that she’s, you know, a girl) is shot down and taken prisoner.
This being a “steamy action” picture, however, Our Heroine isn’t just locked up by the Republican Guard after an interrogator with an honest-to-God pirate hook for a hand works her over, she’s taken into sex slavery by the Saddam Hussein stand-in as well. This is problematic to say the least, but it does give us what I’m pretty sure is the movie’s best line, when Fauxsein’s suspiciously Latina concubine shows off her whipping scars and tells her “if you defy him, he will hurt you – but if you give him pleasure, he may only break your heart.”
Eventually she’s able to use the fact that she looks sort of like Sigourney Weaver in Ghostbusters to seduce one of the junior Jihadis into contacting her pals, who catch the first stock footage flight to the garden shed their enemies are using as a base, rescuing her by (no joke) stripteasing out of burquas, sexily slitting the Iraqi soldier’s throats, running around with machine guns without putting any clothes back on, then rushing in to save their captured friend just after she gets raped. Oh, and then her boyfriend mocks her for not killing enough Iraqis.
Amazingly, it is worse than it sounds.
|Chris Sims is a freelance comedy writer from South Carolina. He briefly attended USC before he dropped out to spend more time with Grand Theft Auto, and his career subsequently took the path that you might expect from someone who makes that sort of decision. He blogs at http://www.the-isb.com and creates comics at http://www.actionagecomics.com.|