Full Release: Games

You know the problem with the video game industry is that one week you get a whole bunch of really awesome games all at once and the next you get horrible shovelware crap. It’s like if one week Star Wars, Robocop, and Lord of the Rings all opened in theaters the same day, and the next week was To Justin From Kelly, Gigli, and Uwe Boll’s latest. This… is that kind of week. Aside from a couple interesting games, there’s a lot of junk here. On with the snorkel and let’s go crap-diving.

Dragon Age Origins – This is BioWare’s return to the world of fantasy after some sidetracks into Star Wars and Sonic The Hedgehog-land. It looks pretty great, with a more evolved morality system than KOTOR‘s black and white choices, as well as a complex race and class system that harkens back to Baldur’s Gate. If none of that means anything to you, I’ll put it in bro terms: You get to take a big sword and cut lots of creepy freaks in half, maybe throw a Magic Missile or two. Also there miiiiight be some full-frontal nudity.

LEGO Rock Band – How can LEGO dudes play guitar, they don’t have any fingers! Those claw things can’t be very dexterous. I guess we’ve reached the “milk a franchise until it dies screaming” level of music games now, which means we should keep our eyes peeled for Dora The Explorer Rock Band, The Chronicles Of Narnia Rock Band and Paula Deen’s Carbo-Loadin’ Rock Bandstravaganza in 2K 2010.

Band Hero – As above, this is the “casual friendly” Guitar Hero for families. The whole point of these games were that they served as an entrance path for people who normally wouldn’t play games. But with the Guitar Hero franchise devolving into heavy wankathons for finger-clickers only, I guess it might be smart to take a step back. How about this for an idea: make games that can be both easy for casual gamers and hard for hardcore gamers? That way I can play with Grandma and she won’t kick my ass too hard.

Ultimate Party Challenge – This is probably not what I think it is. For me, the ultimate party challenge is getting drunk enough to walk home, but just barely. The ultimate party challenge is feeling up as many girls as I can without getting my ass kicked. The ultimate party challenge is getting invited to another party. This is just freaking Scrabble for the Wii or something, so the ultimate challenge at that party would be staying awake.

Buck Fever – This sounds like a porno.

Barbie And The Three Musketeers – This too.

My Baby 1st Steps – That’s it. I’m done. What happened to the good old days of video games whose titles sounded like pornos?