Since 1994, the Insane Clown Posse (comprised of Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J, the latter of which looks like he ate the moon-faced lead singer of Smashmouth) has been feeding a dumb little trash-culture comprised of suburbanite teenagers identifying with murder weapons and face paint. With fanculture of any kind comes fan-made flash games, and the stumpy potato people known as Juggalos are no exception. These “psychopathic” games are violent and dull, with plenty of in-references to the culture (guzzling local sewage soda to show that they refuse to suckle at the teat of Pepsico, dressing up in redneck kabuki, getting their rocks off on hearing about how Violent J thrust his doughy little fists at someone for “dissing” him. Also, there’s some boring wrestling crap involved). 99.9% of these games were created in Flash by some earnest little burnout named “Anarchos,” who’s obviously trying his hardest to make the most “psychopathic” games possible. In this feature, I’ll share my experiences gaming like a Juggalo and maybe we can all learn a lesson of love and tolerance.
Let’s start off with Solitaire, the typical “safe bet” of awful fan games. It’s simplistic, playable gameplay has made it a cultural staple from the early days of Windows to bored people playing around with a deck of cards at their Grandma’s birthday party. Aside from the obvious “putting crap on the cards to represent our dumb lifestyle” changes, they decided to introduce different suits, including weed, blood, a bullet (Maybe? Either a bullet or a shiny new dog turd) and …blue. These changes take the previously unkillable playability of Solitaire and snap it in half over a drum of rancid cooking oil, as it adds the secondary step of trying to figure out how in the hell the suits are set up. Add in music from ICP copycat act Twiztid and you have a turd, right there on your computer.
Oh good, a “demo” rpg. Nothing’s more fun than walking around one screen for two minutes and then being told WHOOPS, IT’S A DEMO, I SURE WILL FINISH THIS BEFORE I LOSE MY VIRGINITY! In this fun little ditty, you play as a, obviously, a white ninja. Enjoy a woman offering to suck your dick, a dude attempting to sell you a weapon, and getting stuck in a tree the moment you try to walk offscreen. If you sneak around the screens just right, you can find your way to “Office Building”, which consists of two anti-aliased chairs in a field of grass with the words “OFFICE BUILDING” above them. I’m sure you’ll be left at the edge of your seat by the cliffhangers set up by the end of the demo. And by edge of your seat I mean pressing the delete key at 120wpm to get this thing off of your computer for something fun, like a 1995 edition of Quicken.
See, ok, I got this dynamite idea. Brilliant, even. Hold on here, yeah. What if (what if) we created an incompetent rehash of Space Invaders featuring the ability to shoot at Eminem (I’m sorry, “FEMINEM” ahee hoo hoo oh just a funny little aside), Sharon Osborne (more like Sharon OsBLOWS, am I right guys) and some black guy (probably some guy who didn’t serve Violent J his gunny sack of breakfast sausage fast enough at a local greasy spoon). We could even feature some completely unidentifiable soundwaste as background music! Sounds great bro!
Here comes Asteroids, but with a special guest appearance by “Feminem”! SURPRISE! Completely what you’d expect, but with that extra twinge of “I learned all of my insults by hating on them gays.” From such classy rebuttals like that I guess to these mouthbreathing doucheburgers the most demeaning thing their little juggabrains can think of to call someone is either gay or a woman. Good job falling into every single negative stereotype made about your fanbase, guys!
Quite possibly the easiest game of the lot, one game lasts about fifteen minutes on average. This game is also based off of the Dark Carnival “mythology” of ICP, which is pretty much the king of “this is deliriously dumb” ideas ever pulled by a music group since Garth Brooks dyed his hair and boohooed through a few pop songs as Chris Gaines. Boiled down, ICP decided it would be a larf to start claiming that their albums aren’t actually just two chuckleheads pretending to be SPOOKY CLOWNS, but that their music was conceptual!. Each album or “joker card” represents a part of this Dark Carnival mythology, which is what happens if you imagine if an edgy teenager ripped out psalms from a church bible and replaced it with his own hastily scribbled failure poetry, with Israel replaced by Detroit and basically you’ve got it. This game features a song about diamonds raining down from the sky in “Shangri-la”, the homie clown heaven where faygo springs from cherubic dicks and hotpockets line the street to Spencer’s Gifts. The lyrics include the inspired lines “Somebody Stab my face or something! Kill Me! What the f*ck a ninja gotta do around here to get his dead on?” Indeed, Shaggy 2 Dope.
Please don’t make me write a paragraph about Tetris. Sigh, OK, fine: Cracked Tetris follows the Tetris formula like a Juggalo follows a corndog. Line up the lines, pray for the long piece, and cringe as the peppy russian chiptunes have been replaced with screamy noise embedded mp3’s. Of note is that the lyrics to one of the included songs is “Wolves howl over blood-red moonlit nights / We’re Kings and Queens within our dreams”. Is ICP trying to appeal to vampires and the silk dragon shirt crowd now?
The game is dedicated to “Guido”, to wish him well while he recovers from an unidentified illness. I don’t know if Guido’s still sick or if he even died, but if it’s the latter I am pretty sorry that your memorial to the world is coded in Flash and easily found at Faygoluvrs.net.
My least favorite out of all the games, which really means something considering the stiff competition. Pac-Man is Violent J (because he is, after all, a fatty fatback who’d probably eat a bucket of butter-glazed money if he could) and when he eats a power pellet the ghosts turn into “Feminem” (those of you playing the “Feminem” drinking game at home, please rush yourself to the hospital right about now). All this ICP rebranding would just set my ire to “ech”, but here it’s the actual gameplay that’s the real atrocity. Anarchos made the avatar of Violent J true to life, as he’s so fat he can’t fit through half the hallways without getting stuck. He walks like he’s being rolled out of his sofa by paramedics. So you’ve got Pinky right behind, you press up and nothing. Wedged in a gap with no Shaggy 2 Dope to push you. You get stuck in a wall and eaten by a ghost while a soundclip of Violent J screaming “MOTHERF*CKER” plays.
I saved the edgiest of all these psychopathic games for last. Watch your back, bro, it’s PSYCHOPATHIC Pong! Yeah this aint no 1970’s Telegames crap from Radio Shack, oh no, this pong will MESS YOU UP as you control Violent J against the CRAAAAZY computer Shaggy 2 Dope. Psychopathic Pong will give you the finger as it rides past you on a bike to the K-mart. Psychopathic Pong will tell your mom to shove it, sipping some faygo outside the local Stop-n-Go. Psychopathic Pong will NOT tone it down, no sir. Psychopathic Pong WILL go to that concert whether you like it or not, dad.
In conclusion, all Juggalos should be killed. Thank you and good night.