Every week, I scour Netflix for a movie rated at one star and put it in my queue, suffering through it for your entertainment so that you don’t have to. In the past, I’ve taken on backyard wrestling, softcore Iraq war porn and lesbian prison camp anime, and now it’s time to do it again.
Starring: The same guy who wrote and directed it, which is always a good sign.
Last week, I got a cold call from the NRA, the gist of which was that, as I am a fine American, I should give them around $300 to keep our gun-related freedoms intact, lest we run the risk of “ending up like Canada.” I passed, but now I’m not so sure that was the right thing to do, for in Twisted Justice, I have seen a world in which firearms have been made illegal, and found it to be absolutely terrible.
The brainchild of auteur/star David Heavener, Twisted Justice plays like a porno written exclusively for Charlton Heston. The year is 2020, and after a nationwide ban has outlawed firearms, only outlaws have them. Into this world steps Tucker (played by Heavener, who also wrote, directed, produced and scored this direct-to-VHS train wreck), who would be the most standard issue MacGyver-mulleted loose cannon cop-on-the-edge I’ve ever seen if it wasn’t for the fact that he’s grossly incompetent.
This facet of his character is quickly established, as once he shows up to a hostage crisis in a car with a “hilarious” license plate reading “TUCK U,” he promptly loses a fist-fight with a drug addict, then dopes him up with tranquilizers, and finally settles on shooting him with an illegal handgun after he fails yet again to beat him up. Also, and this is not an exaggeration, he is wearing what appears to be a onesie throughout the entire movie.
Rounding out the cast are softcore superstar Shannon Tweed, who plays a radio dispatcher who uses a voice modulator to make Tucker think she’s a gay man for some reason, blaxploitation stalwart Jim Brown, slumming it in the years between The Dirty Dozen and Any Given Sunday, an Internal Affairs officer that we know is an uptight hardass because she’s literally the only woman in the movie at that point that we don’t see naked, and Erik Estrada, whose role as the standard-issue Angry Police Captain makes it easy to assume that Twisted Justice‘s dystopian Los Angeles is meant to be what happens in the aftermath of CHiPs.
Aside from that, though, the focus of the movie tends to stay on how it’s THE FUTURE!, which in this case looks a whole hell of a lot like 1990, only more stupid. The police are outfitted with body armor (which appears to be metallic bath mats masquerading as bulletproof vests) and high-tech communications systems (headset mics worn around the neck), and there’s even a supercharged future-car (an Oldsmobile with a piece of sheet metal bolted to the hood).
The best example of the technology of 2020, however, is THE FUTURE!’s equivalent of the Bluetooth headset, which appears to be a universal remote strapped to Shannon Tweed’s head.
As to the plot, it’s some nonsense about super-drugs and a serial murder, but what really matters is that it’s a problem that can only be solved by guns! Which, unfortunately, is undermined a little by Tucker’s incompetence, as he manages to shoot the villain at point blank range with the largest hand cannon I’ve ever seen and still not kill him.
Which just goes to prove the lesson of Twisted Justice: Guns don’t hilariously fail to kill people, David Heavener’s unlikeable vanity character fails to kill people.
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|Chris Sims is a freelance comedy writer from South Carolina. He briefly attended USC before he dropped out to spend more time with Grand Theft Auto, and his career subsequently took the path that you might expect from someone who makes that sort of decision. He blogs at http://www.the-isb.com and creates comics at http://www.actionagecomics.com.|