The Craziest Video Game Endings Ever

The Craziest Video Game Endings Ever

With videogaming’s new-found art status, a lot of guys are looking for the game that will totally validate all those wasted years in front of the NES to their stern and unfeeling parents – a Citizen Kane of game, if you will. Here at Heavy we take great pride in our mispent youth, and we’re always looking. Not for Citizen Kane, but for the Ichi The Killer, Eraserhead or Tetsuo: Iron Man of videogames. We’re so crazy we smoke, drink and start fights – all while playing videogames! Our case worker says we can leave the house under supervision soon, but for now here are our craziest videogame endings! SPOILERS, naturally.

ULTIMATE DOOM

Doomguy is the original nameless sociopath, kicking more ass than a millipede in combat boots up and down the galaxy. He’d like to communicate his desire for your gun, and he’ll rip and tear your huge, huge guts. But the true secret behind this anonymous megadeath on legs is stranger still – he’s fighting to avenge the death of his pet rabbit. Awwww.

SPINAL BREAKERS

While it might sound like the most totally extreme comic book vigiante team EVER (they’ll breaks your spinal) Spinal Breakers is really an obscure arcade title from 1990. While it’s hampered by repetitive gameplay and some seriously crass artistic direction – level 1 takes place at a Nazi death camp complete with “Arbeit Macht Frei” sign – the game just oozes a creepy 1980s sci-fi horror nastiness. Here’s a runthrough of the game to one of the possible endings, as “Waffle” takes on time travelling robot scum and poor Japanese to english translation.

Another fine entry into the canon of “weird ass games with sexual symbolism”, this oddly experimental little game distinguishes itself with a sense of utterly bleak horror above and beyond the usual phallic shooter conventions. Even the title screen gives me the shivers with it’s half-drowned weapons pod. But it’s the nightmarish final level – where logic has no truck and physical laws are discarded in the place of sexual imagery – that really makes me feel like reality is going to collapse on me like a cheap shotgun shack. R-Type shows us the inside mind of insidious alien hyper-viruses, and it’s all sticky and Freudian. Showing gameplay footage isn’t really cheating here – this really is the end of the R-Type story.

DRAKENGARD

Did you want to sleep tonight? Better not watch this creepy Drakengard ending, featuring the most mind-destroying terrorhorror in the history of brainwrongs.

CONTRA HARDCORPS

Contra Hardcorps was Konami’s best shot at claiming the Genesis run n’ gun crown from Gunstar Heroes, and the only way to decide if they did or not is to totally fight me after school in the parking lot. With big, chunky action and some serious imagination, this game was well worth anybody’s time, especially not this insane secret ending featuring a funky Castlevania Robot and being King Of The Monkeys.

F.E.A.R. 2

Ah, F.E.A.R – always going for the cheap shocks (and more than ten years after The Ring, little girls with long black hair sure as hell are cheap shocks). How do you up that for the sequel? How about having someone rape you from a first person perspective? That won’t be cheap or tasteless at all. Stay classy, F.E.A.R.!

METAL GEAR SOLID 2: SONS OF THE PATRIOTS

Hideo Kojima used to be considered one of the people who’d bring videogames to a new tier of immersion and respectability. Metal Gear Solid 2 destroyed that reputation, however – Under Siege with whining bishonen swordfighting the President of America/Doc Ock while a cabal of possibly dead individuals invent a super-battleship to banhammer the internet does not equate to the Citizen Kane of videogames, unless Rosebud was a naked space woman/time vortex that fired hand grenades. Nevertheless, Kojima retains an almost unassailable charm – more Alex Cox than Orson Welles.

SILENT HILL 2

Konami didn’t just put effort into making Silent Hill 2 terrifying to humans – experiments with high frequency audio are alleged to have made it scary for dogs, too. Here we present the “best” ending, with you murdering your ailing wife then taking a long drive off a short pier. Congratulations! See you next game!

NO MORE HEROES

You don’t have to look at the Heavy.com Suda51 nude fanart wall to realise we’re all really, really big fans of the Grasshopper Manufacture CEO here. He’s so bishie! With a career that’s more offbeat than an elephant trying to mate with a SAAB, it was inevitable one of his games would end up here. But we couldn’t choose which! Suda set his insane ending career off to a flying start, with obscure SNES brawlfest Super Fire Pro Wrestling Special ending with the digital suicide of your little pixelated wrestle-dude. It beats smuggling painkillers through customs or being hit with chairs until you’re sixty, I guess. Suda just keeps going and going with recent efforts like Killer 7 and No More Heroes messing with your head before they kick over the fourth wall and piss all over it. Sadly, we lack the hours it would take to make you fully appreciate Killer 7‘s insane brand of nonsense, so here’s the end of No More Heroes, with dorky mass-muderer Travis Touchdown having his tiny mind blown.


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