Full Release: Movies

She's Out Of My LeagueHoly Hell, Hollywood is working overtime this weekend, with a full slate of movies hitting theaters. Comedies, dramas, movies with Robert Pattinson that ladies can watch, it’s all here. Here’s my thoughts on this week’s new releases.

She’s Out Of My League – This comedy has a pretty funny premise – Kirk, an average schneeb played by Jay Baruchel, somehow lucks into a relationship with the absolutely stunning Molly, played by Alice Eve. I think just about every dude out there has been in that situation, where we just can’t believe that this insanely hot girl is letting us touch her boobies. Can he keep it together, or will hundreds of years of societal expectations destroy a beautiful thing?

Green Zone – Matt Damon is Not Jason Bourne in this Iraq-set action thriller, where he plays a Chief Warrant Officer tasked with uncovering the weapons of mass destruction that were our reason for the war over there in the first place. Remember those? They – they didn’t end up existing. Of course, he runs into a massive cover-up and conspiracy, because that is the bad guy now. Early reviews have this being a pretty blisteringly effective flick. Look for a review today.

Remember Me – Weird-looking English dude Robert Pattinson takes his “I sort of look like the dude from The Cure” mojo away from vampire world into this romance where he plays a young man with the troubles who falls in love and has secrets that don’t involve drinking blood out of people or sparkling too much. Your girlfriend is going to make you see this. Don’t make fun of him out loud or you are going to have an argument. Eat your popcorn and keep quiet.

Suicide Girls Must Die – Are people still into Suicide Girls? Like seven years ago it was kind of hot to see girls with tattoos naked but now every smut starlet has a tramp stamp and hipster stars all over her, so what’s the big deal? The franchise is now branching out into this “reality slasher,” where a dozen of the site’s models go into the woods to shoot a calendar and start getting killed by a mysterious psycho. He probably just wants his money back.

Our Family Wedding – So who did Carlos Mencia steal this movie from? Oh, wait, Steve Martin, Father Of The Bride. But now double it, as both Mencia and Forest Whitaker are over-controlling dads who are just going to wreck their kids beautiful perfect day. Guess what, Hollywood? All families suck and all weddings look like they’re going to get ruined but work out in the end. Learn a new story.

The White Stripes: Under Great White Northern Lights – This documentary about enigmatic rock duo The White Stripes looks like it’s going to be pretty great – Jack and Meg sally forth to play every province and territory in Canada, and it can get really lonely up there.