A Play-by-Play of Pope Benedict’s Last Day in the Papacy

We have an idea of how the Pope’s last day is going down. It will be an important day for the Catholic community, but a pretty normal day for the Pope himself.

6:30 A.M. – Pope wakes up, takes a sip of water from the golden chalice on his bed stand. Realizes it’s only 6:30 and he has another hour to sleep! F*&# yeah!

7:30 – Hit’s the snooze button. He’s having a dream about Batman & Robin and they’re all 3 hanging out by the fire, sippin’ on gin and juice. (Can’t blame the Pope for wanting to finish that up!)

pope and batman

7:45 – Hit’s the snooze button again. Robin and him are alone now…things are about to get weird.

8:59 – Smells pancakes cooking from downstairs. Gets dressed immediately and books it down there.

9:01 – Finds out it’s waffles cooking instead. He gets even more excited.


9:28 – After eating 2.8 Belgian waffles, the Cardinal walks in and reminds him he has to address Vatican City at 3:00 p.m.

9:31 – Pope turns on the big screen in the kitchen and watches the news before switching to Maury. Most of the stories are about his last day, the U.S. economy, blah, blah… Oh, and Lays has a new “Chicken and Waffles” chip!

pope watching tv

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10:58 – Promptly calls his driver Marco to pick those up for him. Those will go nicely with communion wine.

11:30 –  Conference call with God.

1:03 – Gets the idea to make his hat look cool for his last address to the audience. Everybody loves a baller Pope!

2:09 – All those glue fumes from his craft project have made him a little sleepy. Catches a quick nap before showtime.

pope's funny hat

3:10 – Finishes his speech, accidentally blessed “chicken and waffles” at the end. No one seemed to notice. It’s not like they’re gonna fire him.

3:11 – Notices the bag of Chips Marco got him and set on his bed.

chicken and waffles in bed


5:00 – Finishes off the bag of chips like a BOSS while schooling some 15-year-old in Spain on Call of Duty under the sn: IEatN00bsForBkfst.

5:01 – Turn’s into Chancellor Palpatine from Star Wars.VATICAN POPE

5:02 – Catches up on the last 4 episodes of Girls.

7:00 – Passes out. It’s been a long day.

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