In honor of the vote for a new pope, we here at Heavy thought it would be a good time to brush up on our Latin.
We settled on graffiti, specifically from the Coliseum and Roman public bathrooms in Pompeii and Herculaneum, preserved for nearly 2,000 years thanks to the blanket of ash from the eruption of Mount Vesuvius.
Check it out, and prepare to “ridere clara voce”–or “laugh out loud” if your Latin is rusty.
1. APOLLINARIS, MEDICUS TITI IMPERATORIS HIC CACAVIT BENE.
Translation: Apollinaris, doctor to the emperor Titus, had a good crap here.
Everyone can relate to that, right?
2. SUSPIRIUM PUELLAM CELADUS THRAEX.
Translation: Celadus makes the girls moan.
If I had to guess, I’d say Celadus wrote this.
3. DOMINUS EST NON GRATUS ANUS RODENTUM!
Translation: The boss isn’t worth a rat’s ass!
Two millenniums later and yet, we can all still agree.
4. LUCIUS PINXIT.
Translation: Lucius wrote this.
The original Kilroy was here.
5. VIRGULA TERTIO SU: INDECENS ES.
Virgula to Teritus: You are a nasty boy.
Little known fact: Teritus was the inspiration for Janet Jackson’s “Nasty Boy.”
6. MIXIMUS IN LECTO. FAETOR, PECCAVIMUS, HOSPES. SI DICES: QUARE? NULLA MATELLA FUIT.
Translation: We have wet the bed. I admit, we were wrong, my host. If you ask ‘why?’ There was no chamber pot.
Seems like a legit excuse for bed wetting.
7. EGO VITA PINCERNA.
Translation: I screwed the barmaid.
This guy brought home the bar tender. PIMP.
8. ATIMETUS POSSEDI GRAVIDAM.
Translation: Atimetus got me pregnant.
9. SI QUIS SEDET HIC, LEGAT HOC PRIMUM OMNIUM: SI QUIS VELIT COCHLEA, DEBET EXPECTAMUS, ATTICE: ILLA SUMPTUUM, IV SESTERTIUM.
Translation: If anyone sits here, let him read this first of all: if anyone wants a screw, he should look for Attice; she costs 4 sestertii.
It must’ve been harder in those days without phones, just sitting around waiting for the girl.
10. IN PECUNIIS AUTEM MAGISTRATUS NERONIS PRINCIPIS HOC DICIT CIBUS EST VENEUM.
Translation: The finances officer of the emperor Nero says this food is poison.
Everyone’s a food critic.
11. NTIOCHUS PEPENDIT DE HIC CUM MARCUS AMICAM CITHERA.
Translation: Antiochus hung out here with his girlfriend Cithera.
Like carving names into a tree.
12. THEOPHILE, NON FACIUNT ORALIS SEXUS SUPER PUELLAS ADVERSUM CIVITATEM MURUS, TANQUAM CANEM.
Translation: Theophilus, don’t perform oral sex on girls against the city wall like a dog.
Didn’t know dogs had oral sex. #themoreyouknow
13. SI VIS SERVAE TUAE COMPREHENDAT, DEXTRA ILLUD.
Translation: Take hold of your servant girl whenever you want to; it’s your right.
Sounds about right.
14. ILLAM MAXIME, SPERO VESTRA HAEMORROIDUM FRICARE SIMUL IN TANTUM UT NOCEBIT PEIOR QUAM CUM OMNIS HABENT ANTE!
Chie, I hope your hemorrhoids rub together so much that they hurt worse than when they every have before!
I wouldn’t even wish that on my worst enemy. Ouch.
15. QUI ANISOCYCLUM IGNIS URIS PENIS.
Translation: The one who screws a fire burns his penis.
Deep thoughts from Jackius Handeius.
16. HECTICE, PARVE, MERCATOR DICIT SALVE AD VOS.
Translator: Hector, baby, Mercator says “hello.”
17. NOS DUO CARUS AMICORUM AETERNUM, HIE ERANT. VIS NOSSE NOMINIS, GAIUS ET AULUS.
Translation: We two dear men, friends forever, were here. If you want to know our names, they are Gaius and Aulus.
Awww. An ancient bromance.
18. EGO LIFE MULTUS PUELLAS HIC.
Translation: I screwed a lot of girls here.
If you say so…
19. IN NONIS APRIL 19TH, EGO PANIS FIAT.
Translation: On April 19th, I made bread.
Since this was found in a bathroom stall, I’m going to assume it’s a euphemism.
But if you think ancient Rome was the beginning of graffiti, think again.
Even before we had written language, ancient humans were voicing their complaints about one another in graffiti. Below is a cave painting of a tribal chieftain getting shit on by a bird.
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