Tonight is the end to the amazingness that is Chelsea Lately. To get you ready for the big finale, check out the funniest Chelsea Handler quotes below:
There are two kinds of people I don’t trust: people who don’t drink and people who collect stickers.
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.
Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It’s the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor.
I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.
Kristen Stewart always looks like she’s posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.
Not everyone in school needs to look like a slut but there should always be one … and I enjoyed being her.
My mother told me that life isn’t always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.
If your name is ‘Christina’ and you spell it ‘Xtina’, there’s a 99% chance you’ve given your stepdad a blowjob.
I don’t know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.
Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there.
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