No one will be holding back at Rob Lowe’s Comedy Central roast tonight. The actor, famous for his appearances in Wayne’s World, Austin Powers, and Sex Tape, will join a league with other roast victims like Justin Bieber, Donald Trump, and Charlie Sheen. The 2-hour special will air Monday, Labor Day, at 10pm on Comedy Central, and we’ve lined up the funniest jokes and insults you can expect to hear.
*Warning, this post contains spoilers. Do not read on if you’re waiting to hear the jokes!
1.) “I was fired from the show for not sucking his face, where Rob was fired for just sucking.” – Jewel
2.) “Rob, in both your sex tapes, you appear with two other people. Dear God, man, you can’t even carry a sex tape.” – Rob Riggle
3.) “Rob has been involved in four lawsuits with former nannies. He’s the only person I know who books a babysitter for a night in. But seriously, Rob says he didn’t (have sex) with those nannies, and I believe him, because he’s either telling the truth, or he’s the best actor in the world.” – Jimmy Carr
4.) “NFL insider Rob Lowe here tweeted out to the entire world that I was retiring from football. Not five months ago, when I actually did retire, but five years ago…Rob, I never tried to ruin your big moments. I didn’t tell people when The Grinder got cancelled. Or when Dr. Vegas got cancelled. Or when Lyon’s Den got cancelled. Or when Moonbeam City got cancelled. Or when your Direct TV commercials got cancelled. Heck, I was just thinking that if you’d have been quarterback for the Broncos last year the friggin’ Super Bowl would’ve been cancelled.” – Peyton Manning
5.) “Many of you know Rob from Parks & Rec. A lot of you know him from The West Wing. A couple of you know him from Grinder. And if you swiped right, you met him in person 10 minutes later.” – David Spade
6.) “For years Rob Lowe had a sex addiction. But he was cured by getting less famous.” – David Spade
7.) “In the ’80s Rob was a member of the Brat Pack. Or as they’re now collectively known, the C-List.” – Jimmy Carr
8.) “Rob defies age… restrictions. Really, you’re a (expletive) Adonis, I hate you. You look like you’re sculpted. You put the ‘statue’ in ‘statutory rape.’ God, I had such a crush on you when I was a little girl. If only I’d known that’s when I had my best shot.” – Nikki Glaser
9.) “Is it true that you’re deaf in one ear? That could be a real problem sometimes, because you can’t hear the girl’s parents coming home.” – Jeff Ross
10.) “The truth is, Rob, roasting you wasn’t easy. I mean, what can I really say about you that hasn’t already been said in court by three nannies, a chef and an underage girl from Atlanta?” – Jeff Ross