41 Weirdest Sex Toys

The title kind of says it all.

Foot fetishes are very common and perfectly fine so it makes complete sense that there are toys out there to satisfy these desires. That’s not weird to me. What’s weird is the part where they stuck a vulva on the foot. The idea of putting a dick inside of a foot is just a lot to handle psychologically for me.

This silicone Foot Fetish Left Foot has a sculpted vagina masturbator on the sole of each foot. 

But, hey, if that’s your thing they have a toy for you. I may be missing out on something here because there are a lot of these toys including some with the vulva in the ankle. 

If you’ve got a foot fetish and don’t need to insert yourself inside of the foot, there are loads of great hyper-realistic silicone feet meant for product modeling that you can do with as you please. 

How about bringing a little pink glass tentacle into bed with you?

I understand this is pretty strange in general but I know tentacle porn is a very real and extensive thing so this doesn’t seem that odd to me. I feel like that might say some things about me. I’m fine with that. 

Glass is a nice choice for this type of toy because the nubs (suckers) stand out against how smooth the rest of the toy is. Glass glides like nothing else so the texture play here will be nicely pronounced. It’s handmade but you might not want to think too much about that. 

It’s not too big and has a lovely curve in it for reaching your G-spot. 

Am I the only creeped out by the Naughty Nibbler? It’s an oral sex stroker that has teeth. I get the realism factor but also there are semi-hard teeth stuck in there and, according to reviews, sometimes the teeth fall out during use. This does not sound like a nice time to me. 

But what do I know? I’m not the target audience here, so if you’re looking for a TPR stroker with teeth for an ultra-realistic feel (as long as the teeth stay in) then this might be your jam. 

This one will haunt me. Labeled The Orgy Machine, this realistic vulva and flicking mouth sleeve is supposed to simulate being with two people at once. That’s a goal I can get behind. However, and this is a big however, why is there a mouth inside it? 

What sort of threeways have the designers been having that you can slip into a vulva and there’s a mouth on the other side? I’m just going to put this out there: if there is a mouth inside your body directly on the other side of your bits to greet whatever comes through, no shame, but please do seek medical care. I’m worried about you.

Joking aside, the sleeve and mouth toy can be used together or separately. They’ve taken the 90s staking point pencil approach to sleeves on this one and that just makes me giggle as a Millennial. 

Ever have the hots for an entire fish–specifically a carp? Here you go. There is certainly lots of texturing here with the body covered in raised scales, longer ribbed gills, dorsal and pelvic fins, and (of course) two big bulging fish eyes. It’s holding something in its mouth but I can’t tell what it is. It could be a pearl or fishing weight or the last shreds of my sanity. 

Its ribbed tail fans out to become the flared suction cup base making it good for solo play as well as backdoor fish action.

I can’t help but think: that can’t be good for the fish. Like, that fish isn’t making it out of this encounter alive. 

I know plenty of good, averagely-kinky folks who are into fisting but that still doesn’t mitigate my initial creep-out factor when I see a dildo that’s a cast of a human arm. It’s just a lot to take in. (That’s little fisting pun for you right there.)

Fisting is a practice that seems like it would be on the margins but is, again, more common than you’d think. There have been informative how-to articles for fisting on even Women’s Health Magazine and Cosmo.

It’s been brought up to me, regarding these toys, that the majority of us already have a hand, two even, but the angle of going solo is a real hassle. These toys are great if you’re interested in fisting but not ready to do it with a partner. It takes time to stretch and acclimate to something of this size so this makes for a good practice tool to work up to it over time. 

Keep in mind that this isn’t silicone so it can’t be sterilized and it’s not extra firm so it can be on the floppy side. 

Doc Johnson offers 13.3-inch long The Fist for advanced users and 15.8-inch long The Hand for something more tapered.

And here we have the Oral Vibro Enhancer. If I had to make a list of the top 20 times I’ve felt the least sexy, taking out a mouthguard in front of a partner would be up there. But to be fair, I’ve never tried it while the mouthguard was vibrating. 

This toy is a mouthguard with a vibe on the front of it that rests against your upper lip in order to enhance your oral game. In theory, that could be fun especially for people who need vibration to get off. 

All I can think about it is that it’s going to send vibrations through my whole nose and sinus cavity and I’m eventually going to have a sneezing fit. And that is not going to be fun for anyone involved. 

If they were looking to make an impact in bed, Motörhead’s Bomber Glass Toy really didn’t bother going subtle. This glass toy is shaped like a bomb complete with intimidating illustrations and a silicone stand that looks like the tail fins of a bomb. A positive to this is you could probably display the toy in plain sight and no one would know what it was–or if they did, they’d have to cop to being as perverted as you are.

Glass are some of my favorite toys as they have a lovely weight and smoothness to them. Keep in mind that this toy isn’t butt-safe as both sides are tapered and useable. The whole thing is about seven inches long, so it’s not as intimidating as other insertables (for a bomb).

That sure is an insertable elephant’s trunk cast in PVC, complete with two mini tusks and a bottom jaw. I’m actually pretty impressed by the realistic textures on here. The wrinkles on of the elephants hide are spot on and get closer together toward the end just like on a real elephant.

That said, this sure is a toy I never thought existed but, honestly, that’s on me. With how much people love tentacles, I should have known elephant noses were next.

But isn’t this how the elephant breathes? Can you imagine if it sneezed? I know I wish I had never imagined that and now I have forced my pain upon you.

I really feel like if you use this, the World Wildlife Fund shows up on your doorstep the next day and asks you to return all the cute panda bear and tiger shirts you wore growing up.

This elephant trunk toy is available in this pink-purple color, black, and a peachy flesh tone because I wasn’t already going to have nightmares. 

This is how far down the rabbit hole I’ve gone: a dildo that looks like a realistic ear of corn? Sure, why not. That’s not that weird. But when you make it in a skin-tone, I am getting off the boat and setting the dock on fire. 

It’s not pictured here, but if you click through you will see that it also has a suction cup base and balls. Corny, corny balls. 

I’m sorry, but this just looks like someone has contracted a horrible alien virus. It doesn’t make me want to get busy, it makes me want to call the CDC. 

That said, if you’re all about textures, this toy has it. There are more little stimulating nubs on this than I’ve seen in a good long while. It’s quite flexible and the suction cup base is handy for sticking to shower walls, bathtubs, headboards, or any flat surface. 

It’s made of PVC silicone so it isn’t 100 percent silicone and may have that classic toy smell at first. It’s 7.8 inches long in total (maybe six insertable) and 1.65 inches in diameter.

It comes in this fleshy peach tone, purple, and black.

I can’t look at The Holey Trinity vibe and not see the Olympic Torch. No one should ever allow me to own this toy because I’d bound into the bedroom holding it aloft shouting for the games to begin. 

This rechargeable toy with three silicone tongues is designed for three-way stimulation. It has a vibrating center tongue and two oscillating clit and backdoor smaller tongues. I love the punny name of Holey Trinity, but I can’t stop seeing a torch. 

Is this Glass Candy Cane Toy extremely weird? Yes. Do I still own it? Yes, I do.

I couldn’t resist. It’s hilarious. This is certainly the most festive toy I’ve ever owned and it makes me laugh every time I see it. It’s good to bring some silliness in the bedroom. This toy is surprisingly nice, though too smooth and small for some, and both sides are useable. The curved side makes it a G-spot toy.

Plus, during the holidays, you can leave it out on your coffee table and everyone would think it’s an innocent decoration.  

Thar the Double Whale blows, ready to get freaky. I’m pretty sure that’s a direct quote from Moby Dick.

Whales are one of my favorite animals and I’ve got nothing against C-shaped vibes. (I recently got to try out We-Vibe’s Chorus and I definitely recommend it.) But this one is designed to look like a whale with its mouth open and it’s all a little too Monstro for me. 

Look at its tiny eye. This whale is so jazzed to nom down on your bits and while I’m sure this is the cutest thing to some people, I am not here for it. 

If you haven’t tried one, C-shaped vibes are meant for dual-stimulation during solo or partner play. One half is inserted and the other is right in position for clit stimulation. There is a motor on either end of this whale and there are 11 vibration patterns to play with.

It’s rechargeable and fully waterproof–which is good seeing as it’s a whale.

With this Rotating Rabbit Vibrator, we’ve moved away from obscure kinks and into the realm of inexplicable design. 

This is supposed to be a rabbit vibe but has this person ever seen a vulva? In what world does this work? The toy has two ends: a vibrating and thrusting dildo end and one that looks like a motorboat propeller. 

The shaft-shaped part is supposed to thrust which to me sounds like it’s the G-spot portion of the toy but if you were to insert that anywhere near your G-spot, that pin-wheel end is nowhere near your clit. Not even close.

Maybe the propeller is for your butt? That’s not a sentence I was ever prepared to write.

If you flip it around and attempt the propeller internally you’ve got a better chance of the vibe being useable but that sounds nightmarish. 

It has a cute remote control, is rechargeable, and affordable so if you can see a way to make this work, be my guest. Count me out.

Where to begin. I have to assume that Pipedream’s Gladiator Doll is meant to be hot but his tongue-out design looks like this poor guy is in the process of choking on a peeled banana. It reminds me of a bondage hood I’ve featured, except way, way worse.

Why make the tongue that color? It’s lighter than his skin tone but even that wouldn’t be so bad if they hadn’t painted his lips such a soft lipstick pink in contrast. They clearly had pink paint so I don’t get why they’d leave the tongue so pale.

The creepy pale tongue vibrates but that means you need to be able to get power to it. Their brilliant solution: stick a wire running through his chin. That won’t be visually distracting at all, right? The wire is the same too-light color as the tongue so at least they color-coded it. 

This inflatable doll is just under five feet tall and looks goofy as anything. The body is shaped like a child’s drawing of someone with too many muscles. The drawn-on abs look more like a lobster tail than muscles. He has weird mitten hands and no feet. It comes with an o-ring in the crotch and a seven-inch realistic insertable toy (not silicone) that you can use or switch out for the strap-on friendly toy of your choice.

It also claims the Gladiator’s backdoor is useable, but it just looks like a pocket is built into the inflatable plastic as though if you inflated him up enough he’d have a tail. Now I don’t have the equipment to use that, but all I can think of is the sharp plastic seams that have to be in there. Ouch. 

This Finger Vibe looks less like a good time and more like a threat. Does this not look sharp to anyone else? It’s covered in little spikes and these two blade-like fins that more like goth jewelry than something I’d want near my bits. 

Sure, it’s made of soft plastic, but let’s be clear–soft plastic toys aren’t great for you either so now they’re trying to tempt me into getting down with a pointy-looking health hazard. No thanks. 

The Mini Marvels Marvelous Teaser gives new meaning to being a tree-hugger. It’s a leaf. It looks like someone took a big chunk off of their aloe plant and they don’t even have a sunburn. 

For the unique take on design, this is a quality-made toy. It’s waterproof, chargeable, and made of body-safe silicone. It has 10 different vibration strengths and functions. It’s also economically designed to fit your hand like a computer mouse with two user-friendly buttons on top–also like a mouse.

Happy birthday! That is what is printed on the top of this toy because it is a birthday cake of vulvas. 

This would be a hilarious gift to plop on top of a normal birthday cake as the top tier provided it was an adult-only party.

This four-pound cake tier has seven holes, each with a different vulva and unique texturing inside the passage so each one will feel different. For a weird cylinder, the detail on this thing is surprisingly good. They feature labia of many shapes and sizes which is nice.

The pictures of the inside of the channels look way more like medical images you might stumble across on Google compared to the typical peach-pink geometric texturing inside most sleeves. It kind of looks like it would be a great toy–it’s just also a weird birthday cake. 

Well, if you’re going for a vibe you could pass off as something innocent, the Wicked Bunny can certainly pass for a kid’s toy. But does it pass too well? I really think so.

Its eyes and nose are the control buttons, for goodness sake. And its face lights up with LEDs in time to the vibrations. This vibe is too cute. I don’t want it to see me with my clothes off. 

Someone let the Steampunk community create Steampunk Vibrators and I am here for it. This line of classic bullet vibes has three different metallic colors and three different Steampunk patterns: Copper with tentacles, gold with clockwork butterflies, and silver with floral gears.

These are no-nonsense, plastic battery-powered bullets that are about 3.5 inches long and have 10 power settings. Batteries are included. 

This is The Butterfly Effect. Anyone else freaked out by the idea of a butterfly rocking a huge hard-on? I hate it. I can’t look at this and not imagine it flying toward me and, boy, that’s sure a nightmare. 

But hey, if your kink is randy butterflies that are disproportionately gifted, Evolved has you covered. Now, I love Evolved toys. Their vibrations are so deep and rumbly so I’m betting this toy is fantastic–I’m just stuck on the design. It’s rechargeable, made of body-safe silicone, and controlled with a wireless remote. 

This Textured Glove by Oxballs is half brilliant and half terrifying. Made of rubbery TPR, it changes the shape and size of each finger for more interesting jobs of all types. It works for both left and right hands and stretches to fit nearly any hand size.

But also, it’s a bit creepy. I’m trying to imagine putting this on while a partner watched and not feeling obligated to cackle like a Bond villain. Then again, maybe that’s what you’re into. 

My main issue is that it’s made of TPR so you can’t properly sterilize it the way you can with silicone toys. Be sure to pair this with condoms for safer play.

If you’ve ever watched your favorite fantasy movies and thought, “Man, I wish I could really ride that hippogriff all the way to my bedroom,” you’re in luck. 

There is a wide range of mythical creature dildos to be found on Amazon if you know where to look. Interestingly enough, compared to the real animal replicas, the mythical toys seem to be consistently made of quality silicone. Good on you, mythical beast lovers.

For fantasy nerds you can get toy version of a hippogriff, phoenix, and dragon. I would also include this rooster dil here because roosters do not have a peen. I came across this toy and I had to check and nope, they do not have this organ. I Googled. I looked at pictures. I was sad about it. You’re welcome.

Cryptid fanatics can enjoy the substantial loving of Bigfoot (11.5 inches) or the Yeti which appears to be the same toy as the Bigfoot but cast in icy white and blue.

You can also spice up your evening with some dinosaurs like the Raptor pictured above. I know dinosaurs aren’t mythical, but what their equipment looked like is entirely speculation based on their closest relatives, so these toys are what someone imagined they might look like. 

This 7.8-inch long tongue with realistic texturing is described as a “creative tongue lick dildo” and creative sure is one word for it. I have others.

If you’ve got fantasies of sleeping with aliens or monsters (which are pretty common or else try explaining 90 percent of hentai) or are really into the band Kiss, I could see this being right up your alley.  

It has subtle curves to it for stimulating all sorts of areas and a suction cup base for attaching to any flat, solid surface. It’s suggested for anal play as well but I’d make sure that suction cup base isn’t too flimsy to be safe for butt stuff. I can’t tell from the photos and I like you people but not enough to buy this thing and bring it into my home. 

Keep in mind, this isn’t silicone so it can’t be boiled or sterilized. It’s made of non-toxic PVC which is a decent material as long as you keep the toy clean. 

I haven’t personally had a fantasy about a small rodent performing oral sex on me, but apparently, that’s a thing or else how do you explain this Squirrel Sucking Toy?

Real talk, air pleasure toys that simulate sucking are out of this world if you have a clitoris. I have the We-Vibe Melt and it’s a solid go-to for me.

That part of this toy isn’t strange and it very likely would feel amazing to use–but it’s weird when it’s a squirrel. Look at the little squinty eyes, shut in concentration. This squirrel is trying so hard and that’s not what I want to be thinking about. 

In addition to the air pleasure squirrel mouth (not a phrase I ever thought I’d use) the squirrel’s tail is insertable and vibrates with 10 different power settings. 

It’s odd, but it’s made fairly well. Your little squirrel buddy is made of body-safe silicone and has a magnetic induction charger so the entire toy is sealed and waterproof, meaning it’s safe to use in the bathtub. 

If you like your toys to be cute, this might be for you.

If you’re all about efficiency, Sexy Tina delivers as a vaginal, breast, and mouth stroker all in one.  That does mean that it’s going to look like she has boobs for eyes and a vulva where her sternum should be but if that works for you, who am I to judge?

The face has a soft nose and lips with a pink tongue and top and bottom teeth for extra realism. Yup, I said teeth. You can remove the teeth for comfort and keep in mind that if you don’t they might just fall out with vigorous use. The vulva doesn’t have great detail on the exterior but does have some pretty intense textures in the passage. 

It’s a heavy 7.3-pound silicone toy that you can use hands-free. That is, as long as you’re okay with a body-part mish-mash. 

I kid you not, this dildo is modeled after the traffic barriers in Amsterdam. 

The barriers are called Amsterdammertje and began to be used in the early 1800’s to protect homes. They have this iconic band around the top and three Saint Andrew’s Crosses which also appears on Amsterdam’s coat of arms. 

And I guess some people wanted to have sex with them so Tantus made it happen.

Now, I love Tantus as a brand. I have a few of their toys and find that they make very solid silicone that is long-lasting. So I fully believe that the Amsterdam is a high-quality toy and if that’s your thing it will last you for years. 

Be warned though. You know the phrase for ordering too much food, “my eyes are bigger than my stomach”? Well, rework that to apply to dildos and that’s where we’re at.

If you’ve looked at a large metal traffic barrier and dreamt about sitting on it, you’re probably in the mood for a large and girthy experience and Amsterdam delivers. It has a diameter of 2.6 inches and a length of 10.5 inches. That isn’t messing around. This thing weighs almost 2.5 pounds. 

They were going for a large metal traffic barrier feel and they nailed it. It has a unique matte finish and is safe to be boiled, bleached, and run through the dishwasher. The flared base makes it safe for anal play as well.