The Loco Notion: The Real March Madness

(Georges St. Pierre headlines UFC 111 in March – photo Josh Hedges/Zuffa)

What are the Ides of March, you ask? Well, it seems back when Julius Caesar was running things, the Oracle (yes, the same oracle from The Matrix, I think) told ol’ Caesar that he should take March off, because some heavy stuff was about to go down. He didn’t listen, so he ended up with a knife stuck inside him courtesy the bad guy from the Popeye cartoons – oh, that was a different Brutus – anyway.

Luckily for you, you don’t have to worry about some giant fat dude stabbing you with a knife (unless you take Tank Abbott’s beer at a Huntington Beach bar). Instead, here’s what you have to worry about…

Too much awesome MMA and you missing it. That is your “Ides of March”…or something.

And I am your Oracle. Just better looking than the other one. Read on!

March starts you off on the right track with the WEC in Columbus, OH. See, also during that weekend is the Arnold Bodybuilding contest and expo…and what goes better with large, fake tanned, steroided out men than some good ol’ fashion MMA. In the main event, the bantamweight champion Brian Bowles takes on Dominic Cruz. If you’ve never seen Dominic fight, you are in for a treat. This kid works harder than almost anyone I know (yes, even me!).

As if that weren’t enough, Miguel Torres is on the card, as well as the living legend himself, Jens Pulver. And this is all for free! Better soak it up while you can, because the next WEC is on PPV. That’s right, be ready to drop $45 to see Aldo and Faber. Nothing lasts forever kids, not even free MMA. Well, cockroaches do, but they don’t count.

As if the Versus Channel wasn’t getting enough love, on the 21st, the UFC is putting on an event in Colorado. That’s right…UFC…on Versus. ZUFFA is single handedly saving this channel. Bullriding and competitive BBQing just ain’t cutting it anymore. So, for the inaugural UFC on Versus card, Brandon Vera takes on Jon Jones. This fight will be BANANAS. And if you have ever had bananas, then you know how awesome they are. This barely scratches the surface though. Junior dos Santos vs Gabriel Gonzaga? That’s a whole lot of men in one cage. Plus, factor in the way Junior has been wrecking fools and the fact that Gonzaga can kick your head into next week – you’re looking at more fun than a one legged man trying to catch a greased pig on Christmas. I have no idea what that means either. But if you think I’m done with this card, you’re wrong. Paul Buentello vs Cheick Kongo? Duane Ludwig vs Spencer Fisher? James Irvin vs Alessio Sakara? Clay Guida vs Shannon Gugerty? Basically, this is like the Rolling Stones, the Beatles, Led Zeppelin, The Who, and Pink Floyd all started jamming together inside of a cage and then fought each other on acid. IN SPACE.

Six days later the UFC storms into New Jersey for UFC 111. There’s some little unknown guy headlining the card. Georges St…something. Canadian dude. I dunno. He’s facing off against my favorite Brit, Dan Hardy. Unlike the WEC and UFC on Versus, you’re gonna have to pony up some coin for this one. Just find a rich acquaintance of yours who has no friends and invite yourself to his house and make him order the PPV. Trust me, I’ve been doing it for years. If you don’t have one of those type guys, just search on Craigslist for one. There’s tons of guys on there looking for friends. Frank Mir and Shane Carwin are facing off to see who gets the pleasure of fighting the behemoth that is Brock Lesnar. Apparently Frank wants to kill Brock. That’s not very nice…not even by cagefighting standards. And that’s saying something.

Ok, so, you couldn’t find a guy on Craigslist to share the PPV cost with, so now you’re out $45. Well, don’t fret my good friend (can I call you my good friend? I feel like we’re getting pretty close during this whole fandango) because the UFC is having another Fight Night on the 31st, and it…is…FREEEEEEE (picture the old guy in the suit covered in question marks is saying it). Kenny Florian faces the UFC’s latest addition, Takanori Gomi. DO NOT ADJUST YOUR SETS, HIS HEAD IS THAT BIG.

That’s four fights in one month (three of the them free), and three fights in 10 days. That, my friends, is your Ides of March. Be ready, and enjoy it…because I bet Julius Caesar would trade his Ides for your Ides if he could.

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