How To Survive A Quentin Tarantino Movie

Imagine. You’re crossing the street one day and then… bam! Bruce Willis slams his car into Ving Rhames. Or you’re at a table of guys in suits and one dude starts giving you surnames of colors. Or maybe if you’re really lucky, you witness one chick in a yellow motorcycle suit take out a ton of guys with swords. You’re in a Tarantino film and your chances of surviving aren’t too great. Unless, however, you follow some simple rules. And yes. There are plot spoilers if you haven’t seen Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, Jackie Brown, Kill Bill or Inglourious Basterds.

If you go somewhere, take your gun with you. When you’re an assassin (John Travolta) chilling out in an apartment that belongs to the guy you’re looking for (Bruce Willis), don’t leave your uzi just hanging out on the counter. Otherwise, you’ll get riddled thirty times in the chest once the Pop Tarts come out of the toaster. So for the love of God. Even if you’re taking a dump. Bring your gun.

While it may be commendable to confess to your wrongs, it doesn’t really work out in the end for Mr. Orange (Tim Roth) in Reservoir Dogs. Once he lets the cat out of the bag, Mr. White (Harvey Keitel) puts the gun right to his neck. So even though his intentions were in the right place, it would’ve worked out better for him if he kept his mouth shut for two more minutes (granted, he was dying and thought it was the end anyway). As for surrendering, what happens when Nazi Col. Hans Landa (Christoph Waltz) gives himself up at the end of Inglourious Basterds? That’s right. He gets a nice little swastika slashed into his forehead (yeah, he deserved it. But this is a guideline for you). So don’t go tossing up that white flag and thinking you’re all good. You’re not.

The cop in Reservoir Dogs, Chris Tucker’s character in Jackie Brown and Sophie in Kill Bill. It’s not good news. Yeah, only two of those characters die but the chick got her arm lopped off. If you find yourself in the trunk either willingly (Chris Tucker) or unwillingly (the cop and Sophie), chances are you’re gonna have a very bad day.

Hold onto your butts. He’s in every movie as it is, but he also plays significant roles in a majority of Tarantino flicks. Once he leaves to “walk the earth” in Pulp Fiction, his partner gets killed. He causes all sorts of problems as the antagonist in Jackie Brown and once he graces us with his presence in Kill Bill 2, everyone gets all sorts of killed. It’s hard to say for sure what to do if you encounter Samuel L. Jackson, but your best bet is to just stay away.

I can’t believe I even have to say this one. After that scene in Pulp Fiction, I haven’t even gone into a pawn shop once. Seriously. And stay away from guys with names like Zed and Maynard. And cops in short-sleeved shirts. And gimps.

Seriously. It rarely works out for women unless you’re Uma Thurman and even she gets messed up after her overdose in Pulp Fiction and vengeance kick in Kill Bill. All the women in Kill Bill either die or get maimed in various ways and left for dead (like when Elle gets her remaining eye plucked out and left in the trailer with the snake). It’s messed up. Also Shosanna from Inglorious Basterds keeps refusing the Nazi soldier’s advances, she shoots him… but he nabs her with a bullet before he goes. Bummer.

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