It’s Halloween Season, and that means that the Worst of Netflix is once again searching for The Worst Horror Movie On Netflix. And brother, competition is fierce. So fierce, in fact, that I had to eliminate as many contenders as I could in one shot.
That’s why I’m kicking off October with the Worst of Netflix Horror Movie Lightning Round! I picked out a handful of supernatural and slasher flicks that I’ve been saving in my queue all year, and decided to watch each one until it got so bad, so boring, or so poorly lit that I just couldn’t take any more. I can take so bad it’s good, so bad it’s terrible, and I’ve even managed to get through so bad it’s frightening, but these were the movies so awful even I couldn’t do it, so I’ve listed each one with the number of minutes I made it through:
WITCHCRAFT IV: THE VIRGIN HEART (1992)
34:21 – I really should’ve known better when I saw that the familiar “Lloyd Kaufman and Michael Herz Present: A Troma Team Release” card was shortly followed by one reading “With Julie Strain,” but I managed to make it a solid half hour in before the boredom reached critical mass. The plot’s incomprehensible — which I guess is more my fault, since I haven’t seen I through III — but you’d think I would’ve seen, you know, some witchcraft. At least a virgin heart or two.
BRUSH WITH DEATH (2007)
16:09 – I had high hopes for this one based on the fact that the summary involved cheerleaders being menaced, but despite the presence of a pretty serious bumpit, I couldn’t make it through. When your first fifteen minutes have thirteen minutes of rape, and minute 16 starts a flashback, you and me are f*cking done, professionally.
NIGHT FANGS (2005)
11:04 – You would think a movie whose description includes “lesbian art teachers” and “human sacrifice” would be hard to screw up, but, well, here you go. I will say though: the actresses were eerily similar to the art teachers I remember form elementary school, to the point where I was expecting them to turn around and ask me to bring in 2-liter bottles cut in half or an egg carton. Creepiness achieved, Night Fangs.