11:12 – From what I can gather, this is essentially the low-budget horror movie version of Jumanji, which is maybe the least appealing premise for a film since the Today Show aired Katie Couric’s colonoscopy.
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8:03 – Bros Icing Bros: The Motion Picture
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6:33 – While I applaud the effective technique, making the audience identify with the bored, listless vampire by opening your movie with a long scene of people sitting around watching the opera wasn’t the best way to go.
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5:14 – “Hey, I’ve got an idea! Let’s totally make an unofficial sequel to Shaun of the Dead, about zombies acclimating to modern society!” “Oh, and make it all funny and stuff?” “Nah, let’s just have a girl get yelled at by her abusive boyfriend for three minutes. And then he shoots her.”
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9:10 – While most of these movies have awful opening shots, this one starts off with a slow zoom out centered on a hot naked girl, and that’s the kind of cinematography that could only be better if it also involved a dirtbike jump. Unfortunately, it goes downhill into being insufferable pretty quick, which is a real shame, as I would totally be into a movie where an evil lake stalked and killed horny teenagers. I will say, though, this thing has the best opening title card ever, and I swear I am not kidding:
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Okay, seriously: this one might have to get a pass.
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 Chris Sims is a freelance comedy writer from South Carolina. He briefly attended USC before he dropped out to spend more time with Grand Theft Auto, and his career subsequently took the path that you might expect from someone who makes that sort of decision. He blogs at http://www.the-isb.com and creates comics at http://www.actionagecomics.com. |