Haley Barbour Fantasizes About Chris Christie Poking Obama’s Butt

Haley Barbour

Haley Barbour, bloated redneck and former governor of Mississippi, was in Tampa last week for the Republican National Convention. He spoke at a fundraiser put on by Satan’s ass boil himself, Karl Rove. At the fundraiser he gave his thoughts on Chris Christie’s convention speech, saying:

While I would love for Christie to put a hot poker to Obama’s butt, I thought he did what he was supposed to do.

Really, Mr. Governor? You’d LOVE for Chris Christie to put a hot poker to Obama’s butt? It’s gotta be hot, though, right? Mmmm … yea … that’d be so hot, Christie just poking Obama’s butt as hard as he could, just really digging into that thing. Barbour’d have to pull out his handkerchief to dab his forehead as he watched them in action. Christie’s corpulent torso jiggling and jostling as he shoves his swollen poker against the president’s onyx buttocks. This is the type of moment Southern white men have lived for for centuries. Both public servants would be drenched in sweat, Barbour shivering as he watches it slowly dripping off their bodies. Christie putting his hot poker to Mr. President’s butt harder and harder and harder and then they’d make out and it’d … erm … wait …

Sorry, I got lost in Barbour’s barely repressed lust for the president. Point is, I think I know why Republicans hate President Obama so much. He won’t give up the butt. There. Mystery solved. You’re welcome, America.