Alison Whelan was sentenced to 112 days in prison for an event that happened last September. A spectacularly wonderful crime that should be hilarious to everyone. Well, except Alison Whelan, of course. Whelan’s crime was merely stealing the Dart Princess ferry on the River Dart in Devon, England, while yelling at police that she was Jack Sparrow.
That’s not a crime, that’s a gift to humanity.
On the night of September 10, 2011, Whelan and a companion sought shelter on the ferry after a two-day drinking bender eating the hallucinogenic Deadly Nightshade, which is poisonous (for more on Deadly Nightshade see sidebar). She then thought she was having a seizure and called an ambulance. However, when the police arrived she cast off.
She then led police on an hour-long ferry chase while screaming that she was a 21st century pirate and yelling out, “I’m Jack Sparrow!”
Apparently the court didn’t take it easy on her because yesterday was talk like a pirate day. You’d think they’d be a bit more sensitive to her religious beliefs as a 21st century pirate.
After she was finally captured, she told police that if that hadn’t caught her she was going to end up in St. Tropez.
During her little joyride, she did £1,500 (no, I don’t know how much that is in real money — just double it) worth of damage to the ferry by crashing in a catamaran called Force Majeure and another boat called Tomcat.
Now, she’s going to waste away in prison. For shame, England. Don’t you see this woman is a hero? Life is so mind-numbingly and relentlessly cruel. We need crazed drug-addled people who think they’re Jack Sparrow stealing ferries. We need it to distract us from the endless campaign commercials, Middle East deaths, unemployment, etc. Admit it, this brightened up your day. Alison Whelan has brought joy to the world through her insane reckless endangerment of herself and others.
I think I’m in love.