Brooklyn Nine-Nine has been off the air for a long time. Fox has finally brought it back to take over the 8:00 p.m. timeslot after New Girl ended. The new episode, “The Audit,” has the squad nervous over possibly losing their jobs because a Brooklyn precinct will be closed permanently soon.
Unfortunately for the squad, the official auditor sent to their precinct is Teddy (guest star Kyle Bornheimer), Amy’s ex-boyfriend! Will the Nine-Nine survive the audit? We’ll have to watch the new episode to find out.
Here’s all the action in “The Audit.”
I’ve Always Wanted to Get Hit By a Bus
The episode kicks off with Holt announcing that Gina can come back to work. She wanted him to read a 10-page speech, but he refuses to do so. Gina shows up in a full brace after her accident in “The Fugitive.” She’s in a lot of pain, but she thinks everyone else has been in more pain because they’ve had a Gina-less two months.
Gina then agrees to take questions. First, she tells Amy that she has to wear the brace for a week. Next, she tells Jake that it felt awesome to get hit by a bus and that she was legally dead for two minutes and she met god.
Then, Terry insinuates that Gina might not actually be ready to return to work. To prove him wrong, she tries to dance, while screaming in pain. “Gina Linetti is back, baby!” Hitchcock yells.
Terry Is Too Big for the Little Door
After the title, Holt tells the Nine-Nine that crime is down in Brooklyn. (Yay!) Unfortunately, that means that one precinct will be closed permanently. (Boo.) An auditor is coming by to see how well they do their job and Holt tells them that they just don’t want to rate at the bottom. Diaz hopes the auditor doesn’t look in their desks because someone left a bunch of swords in her’s. Hitchcock also has a question about browser histories.
Holt says the auditor will start out by keeping tabs on Amy and Jake’s gang stake-out because their case is an example of the crime this precinct still faces (not “because they’re America’s dream couple”?). The auditor turns out to be Teddy, Amy’s ex-boyfriend, the same person she said was the most boring man in the world! (His favorite app is “Contacts,” so… can you blame her for thinking that way?)
Amy and Jake head off to the closet, where Jake lets all his fears out in the air. He thinks Teddy will split them up and their relationship won’t survive. Amy is pretty confident that they don’t have to work together to be in a relationship. Jake thinks he’ll forget about her if he doesn’t see her all the time because he’s like a goldfish.
Meanwhile, Teddy is recording all his thoughts on his phone as he examines the conference room. Terry asks him how the other precincts did, but Teddy isn’t giving up the information. Instead, he says they are just trying to clear up waste… like the $2,100 copy machine the precinct just bought that is now broken.
Holt and Terry join Amy and Jake in the cramped closet because they are all freaking out. Holt is so freaked out that he’s using pointless acronyms like “BRB.” Then, Boyle and Diaz join because Teddy just found out about the rats. Boyle doesn’t want to be split from Jake because he’s afraid Jake will forget about him. He’s like a goldfish!
Boyle blames Amy for all this because she slept with Teddy, and Holt agrees. “Your libido has endangered us all,” Holt tells her. Then, Gina joins them all in the closet and they decide they need to use the evidence room.
There, Holt tells Amy that she has to patch things up with Teddy. She decides that they just have to pretend that he’s not boring. Holt agrees that this is a good idea and tells them to make Teddy feel like the most interesting man in the world.
After Amy and Jake head off, Holt orders everyone else to make sure that the copy machine is fixed before Teddy finds out it doesn’t work. Terry is assigned to work on that, since the manual is in Japanese and he spent a year abroad there. They also have to fix the rat problem. Boyle thinks his case of wolf urine to scare off rats. Gina wants to help out, and Terry lets her help with the copier.
At the stake-out, Teddy arrives, so Amy and Jake explain that they think two gangs are meeting to merge. Since they’re going to be awhile, Jake tries to become friends with Teddy by talking drinks. He pretends that he likes pilsners. Teddy then presses Jake with some really specific pilsner questions, and catches him in a lie. He knows they still think he’s boring.
Humor Is the Tool of the Interesting
After the break, Holt finds Terry trying to put the copier back together, with pieces all over the table. Terry thinks he might have found out how to turn it on and could have this done quicker… if only Gina wasn’t making things difficult. Maybe Boyle and Diaz have made more progress with the rats?
Nope. They have made no progress with the rats. Scully keeps eating the peanut-butter from the rat traps. Still, the plan is to use the wolf urine to guide the rats into the traps. “And that’s where I come in,” Boyle says, wearing a full bodysuit from a sexy cat costume for better mobility. (“There is nothing gendered about a sexy cat.”)
At the stake-out, Jake and Amy try to convince Teddy that they’re too boring for pilsners. Teddy surprises them by agreeing that pilsners are boring and doesn’t drink them any more! In fact, after he broke up with Amy, he also realized that he’s too boring. In fact, he has a girlfriend and they spent two weeks in San Diego last year. He said that at the precinct, he was joking. “Humor is the tool of the interesting.”
But slowly, Teddy reveals that his life still can be considered boring. Who goes to “jazz brunches”? The three of them laugh, but it’s clear that Amy and Jake aren’t really excited about going to a jazz brunch. Teddy will even email the invite to the two of them.
The situations at the precinct are not going well. Terry doesn’t really know Japanese and the rats are now being redirected to the evidence room. (Gina needs the break room for meditation and plotting her revenge on NYC buses.) Also, Boyle is stuck.
Teddy can’t stop talking about jazz brunch. He takes a bathroom break, so Amy and Jake talk about how boring Teddy still is. Jake can’t even believe Amy would ever date this guy, unless he has a big wiener. Jake starts spiraling, but during his crisis, one of the gangsters leaves the building across the street. Amy runs to take a picture and Jake declares this a successful stake-out. Teddy comes back. He forgot his phone… which recorded Jake and Amy’s entire conversation about how boring he is!
Eggs Benedict in the Lickety-Split
When Jake and Amy arrive at the boring jazz brunch, they find Teddy and his girlfriend Rachel (Jama Williamson) already there. They decided to go to get Teddy’s phone so they could delete the recording and save the Nine-Nine. The plan is to stage a fight, during which Jake will flip over the table and grab Teddy’s phone.
Amy is a little too good at convincing Teddy and Rachel that she has reasons to fight with Jake. The two argue over why they were late to the brunch. They then ask their friends how they met and it’s as boring as you can guess. They met on an elevator. That’s the whole story. Amy then says that their relationship is now going stale.
“OK, you want some action, Jackson? Well how about I make a scene?” Jake says. He tries to flip the table, but it’s bolted down. “Oh what a shock! You tried something and it failed,” Amy says. So, Jake decides to swipe everything off the table instead. This was enough to get the phone on the floor and Teddy offers to help. But Amy insists that he keep his eyes on her while she makes a sincere apology.
When Jake returns from the floor, he claims that Teddy’s phone fell precisely inside a glass of orange juice. Amy then gets up and storms away. The two storm off at the same time instead!
Back at the precinct, Terry thinks he’s fixed the copier machine. Holt tells Terry that he’s never been more prouder of anything Terry has ever done in his life. Diaz then arrives with more good news: they caught all the rats.
When Holt, Diaz and Terry arrive at the evidence locker, they find blood and rat footprints all over the floor. They chewed themselves free and ate the purest cocaine in the history of the city that was left in an evidence box! “They know no fear or pain!” Terry says. They then spot one of the rats going up, inside a wall. “Boyle!”
The rats start attacking Boyle, who is still stuck in the ceiling. He crashes through the ceiling, right onto the copier in the break room! “They survived the fall!” Boyle screams as we hear rats squeaking. “RUN!”
Outside, Jake and Amy praise each other for their performances at the brunch. But then Jake realizes that there might have been some truth about what Amy said. She really doesn’t care about his sneakers.
Teddy suddenly climbs out of a taxi, so Amy and Jake resume their “fake” fight. Teddy interrupts their fight to tell them that he’s still in love with Amy. Rachel is right behind him and is shocked to hear this. “This is super uncomfortable,” Jake says.
You Can’t Say No to Someone Hit By a Bus
Jake tries to diffuse the situation, but Teddy tells Amy that he’s still not over her (even with his new girlfriend standing right next to him). He assumed that after the fake fight, Jake and Amy weren’t as perfect together as he thought and there might be an opportunity for him to win Amy back. Teddy insists that they are perfect, so he drops to one knee and proposes marriage!
Amy tells him point-blank, “I don’t want to be with you.” Teddy is stumped, because he sees how different the two of them are. But Amy says that’s what she loves about Jake. Amy then tries to tell Teddy the truth about the fight, but Jake stops her. “Amy is dying. She has one month to live. Marrying her would be a waste of time,” Jake says. Amy still tells Teddy the truth about that recording. Teddy then tells Amy that he still loves her, and asks Rachel if she wants to go to a museum with him. “No!” the other three yell.
Holt called NYPD facilities to ask if they could get an emergency crew to fix the mess, but he was just laughed at. Diaz blames Boyle for not letting the rats eat him. But Terry blames Diaz for giving the rats access to cocaine. And then Diaz reminds them all that it’s Gina’s fault because no one can say no to her.
This gives Holt an idea. He takes Gina to NYPD facilities and the guy who runs the department can’t say no to someone who got hit by a bus.
Six hours later, Jake and Amy finally arrive at the precinct and it looks amazing. They catch everyone else up on the events of the past day with Teddy. Teddy later arrives at the precinct, disheveled. Although he has come to terms with being incredibly boring, he still won’t give them a fair evaluation. Instead, he decided to recuse himself. When Amy tells him that he appreciates his decision, he tries to propose again!
Teddy tells them that the new auditor will be Lt. Hopkins. “Veronica Hopkins?” a concerned Terry asks. Hopkins (Kimberly Herbert Gregory of Vice Principals) is Terry’s ex-girlfriend. “Why can’t any of you keep it in your pants?” Boyle asks.
Hopkins arrives and hugs Terry. “I am shutting down the Nine-Nine and there is nothing you can do about it,” she whispers in his ear.
“This place is fantastic,” Hopkins tells everyone. “This is going to be fun!”
On The Next Episode
Thankfully, we don’t have to wait too long for the next episode of the show. “Serve & Protect” airs on April 18. Here’s the episode description: “Jake and Rosa investigate a case of burglary that occurred on the set of one of their favorite detective shows as Terry’s ex takes over auditing the Nine-Nine.”