Worst of Netflix: Horror Movie Lightning Round

It’s Halloween Season, and that means that the Worst of Netflix is once again searching for The Worst Horror Movie On Netflix. And brother, competition is fierce.  So fierce, in fact, that I had to eliminate as many contenders as I could in one shot.

That’s why I’m kicking off October with the Worst of Netflix Horror Movie Lightning Round! I picked out a handful of supernatural and slasher flicks that I’ve been saving in my queue all year, and decided to watch each one until it got so bad, so boring, or so poorly lit that I just couldn’t take any more.  I can take so bad it’s good, so bad it’s terrible, and I’ve even managed to get through so bad it’s frightening, but these were the movies so awful even I couldn’t do it, so I’ve listed each one with the number of minutes I made it through:

WITCHCRAFT IV:  THE VIRGIN HEART (1992)

34:21 –  I really should’ve known better when I saw that the familiar “Lloyd Kaufman and Michael Herz Present:  A Troma Team Release” card was shortly followed by one reading “With Julie Strain,” but I managed to make it a solid half hour in before the boredom reached critical mass. The plot’s incomprehensible — which I guess is more my fault, since I haven’t seen I through III — but you’d think I would’ve seen, you know, some witchcraft.  At least a virgin heart or two.

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BRUSH WITH DEATH (2007)

16:09 – I had high hopes for this one based on the fact that the summary involved cheerleaders being menaced, but despite the presence of a pretty serious bumpit, I couldn’t make it through.  When your first fifteen minutes have thirteen minutes of rape, and minute 16 starts a flashback, you and me are f*cking done, professionally.

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NIGHT FANGS (2005)

11:04 – You would think a movie whose description includes “lesbian art teachers” and “human sacrifice” would be hard to screw up, but, well, here you go.  I will say though:  the actresses were eerily similar to the art teachers I remember form elementary school, to the point where I was expecting them to turn around and ask me to bring in 2-liter bottles cut in half or an egg carton.  Creepiness achieved, Night Fangs.

GHOST GAME (2004)

11:12 –  From what I can gather, this is essentially the low-budget horror movie version of Jumanji, which is maybe the least appealing premise for a film since the Today Show aired Katie Couric’s colonoscopy.

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SUCCUBUS: HELL-BENT (2006)

8:03 –  Bros Icing Bros: The Motion Picture

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KISS OF THE VAMPIRE (2007)

6:33 –  While I applaud the effective technique, making the audience identify with the bored, listless vampire by opening your movie with a long scene of people sitting around watching the opera wasn’t the best way to go.

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ZA:  ZOMBIES ANONYMOUS (2005)

5:14 – “Hey, I’ve got an idea!  Let’s totally make an unofficial sequel to Shaun of the Dead, about zombies acclimating to modern society!”  “Oh, and make it all funny and stuff?”  “Nah, let’s just have a girl get yelled at by her abusive boyfriend for three minutes.  And then he shoots her.”

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WICKED LAKE (2008)

9:10 –   While most of these movies have awful opening shots, this one starts off with a slow zoom out centered on a hot naked girl, and that’s the kind of cinematography that could only be better if it also involved a dirtbike jump.  Unfortunately, it goes downhill into being insufferable pretty quick, which is a real shame, as I would totally be into a movie where an evil lake stalked and killed horny teenagers.  I will say, though, this thing has the best opening title card ever, and I swear I am not kidding:

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Okay, seriously: this one might have to get a pass.

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Chris Sims is a freelance comedy writer from South Carolina. He briefly attended USC before he dropped out to spend more time with Grand Theft Auto, and his career subsequently took the path that you might expect from someone who makes that sort of decision. He blogs at http://www.the-isb.com and creates comics at http://www.actionagecomics.com.