What’s So Bad About What Todd Gurley Did?



It’s almost as if the NCAA was jealous of the NFL these past few weeks. Since the Ray Rice debacle the NFL has eclipsed the NCAA as the most profitable yet immoral and stupidly run organization in American sports (though neither are close to approaching FIFA or the IOC yet), and you could almost sense the jealousy. It’s like when a reality TV star sees a competitor in the headlines; even if it’s because their rival just got busted for a DWI, that idiot will be on the phone, bitching at their publicist about why they aren’t in the cover of US Weekly.

“What, me and my obvious cocaine problem and manufactured marital drama are chopped liver? What am I paying you and your agency for, Shana?!?”

In that same vein, the NCAA has chosen to suspend Heisman candidate and all-around Techmo Bowl superstar Todd Gurley for reasons that, as of this writing, are about as clear as a lake in New Jersey.

The early reporting seems to think it revolves around some notion of Gurley being compensated for his autograph, which makes sense because Gurley’s autograph is a commodity that has value and the NCAA exists to reverse distribute income up from the talented players we cheer for to university presidents and the NCAA itself. The NCAA was originally formed by Theodore Roosevelt to keep Ivy Leaguers from killing each other on the football field. It has morphed into a Dark Ages economic kingdom, while all the while trying — and thankfully, increasingly failing — to hide behind the mask of academia. Academia, I add parenthetically, is in most instances nothing more than a jobs program for people who are only borderline useful. Which is why I’d love to join it some day.

But I digress. You know what is no longer useful? The NCAA. They are a shell corporation collecting money, which has the gall to act as if it has moral authority over the very people it is profiting from, who receive no compensation. They are Game-of-Thrones-villain-level evil. They are James-Bond-villain-level evil. They are worse than the guy Inspector Gadget had to deal with and nowhere near as attractive.

Georgia has been here before, because they’re Georgia. They’re the gorgeous model that trips and falls on the runway. Every. Single. Year. A.J. Green had this happen to him (that team could’ve played for a national championship if that suspension hadn’t happened). They really need to learn how Auburn and Texas A&M do business.

Until the Power 5 conferences do what they should (it will probably be four in the end, but that’s a column forthcoming) and tell the NCAA to drop dead, then instruct their students to throw the bylaws into their next frat bonfire, this is going to keep being an issue. The only thing that’s reassuring about it is that rational people are starting to genuinely resent this kind of stupidity. Gurley sitting on the sidelines is only the latest example.

The revolution will be sanctioned by the masses, because the Ivory Tower has outlived it’s usefulness by several decades.

Off with their heads.

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