NCAA Football Week 12: Rankings Are Driving People Crazy

I’ll give the people who run college football this much: They are Jedi-level trolls. They have to know, at least tangentially, that their fanbase is obsessive and borderline insane. Every week feeds into a further frenzy as each fanbase reacts to the latest whimsical listical vomited out by the committee, as television programmers and guys like me have countless hours of windbaggery to cash in on. It’s not emotionally healthy for the fans and it’s borderline sociopathic by the powers that be, but it’s brilliant. And every week it gets crazier and crazier. Every week is more and more intense. Welcome to College Football, the single most addictive sport in the United States of America.

Onward.

Glance Game of the Weekend

Kentucky at Tennessee (TV: SEC Network, 4:00 PM EST)

Yes, this is completely self-indulgent and no, I do not care. The slate is top heavy this week, as is appropriate this deep into the season, so the glance game of the weekend is my Tennessee Volunteers against the Kentucky Wildcats at home. I haven’t had a chance to gloat about the Tennessee victory over Hatin’ Ass Steve Spurrier and now is when I do that: it was exquisite and I didn’t see a single snap of it because Cablevision doesn’t carry the SEC Network because they are terrible. Tennessee needs two more wins the reach a bowl game and Kentucky just had things done to them that were straight to DVD style filthy from the Georgia running attack. Tennessee wins here and they’re poised to make a bowl game and have the program finally, finally, headed in the right direction. Lose here and Knoxville will once again lose their minds. But at least they’ll have kewl new Koozies.

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Haterade Game of the Weekend

(16) Nebraska at (20) Wisconsin (TV: ABC/ESPN, 3:30 PM EST)

This is where I’m forced to write about the B1G because people insist that they should be included in the Playoff conversation (THEY SHOULDN’T!) and because I’m a desperate whore for page views. Ohio State and Nebraska are hanging around, taking up valuable space that I could be using *slurping* the SEC West as the lord intended. So until they both lose, they’ll be in the haters section. By the way, has anyone ever regretted a career move more than Bret Bielema leaving Wisconsin for Arkansas? That’s some Craig-Kilborn-leaving-the-Late-Late-Show-level regret right there. That dudebro is gotta be wondering what in God’s name is happening to him. I’m sure he’ll bounce back into the B1G after a year in the broadcast booth fratboying it up and hanging with this lovely young lady. Being a millionaire must be nice. I sure as hell wouldn’t know.

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Reservation Games of the Weekend

Missouri at (24) Texas A&M (TV: SEC Network, 7:30 PM EST)

I’m fairly convinced that Kevin Sumlin could be handed a ficus plant as his quarterback and he’d still have one of the top offenses in college football. Good for him for getting a big win last week, because as much as that win was about Kyle Allen playing well, it was really about the program that Sumlin is building. All he needs now is to bolster that defense, because the Aggies only win by outscoring people, and that program will remain relevant in perpetuity. Johnny Football who? Missouri, I have no idea what your deal is this season and that’s what makes this such compelling television. But mostly just the A&M offense vs. that Missouri defense.

(9) Auburn at (15) Georgia (TV: ESPN, 7:15 PM EST)

If you live on the edge that long, it’s practically inevitable that you’ll fall. That’s precisely what happened to the Auburn Tigers last week who still have some control over their destiny and an outside shot at the Final Four. Meanwhile, inexplicably, so too do the schizophrenic Georgia Bulldogs. One of these two teams will have their hopes and dreams shattered for the last time and I will never get sick of watching that on a week-to-week basis, because I’m a terrible person.

(1) Mississippi State at (5) Alabama (TV: CBS, 3:30 PM EST)

This weekend, I will be visiting my sister Kelsey, who is a freshman at the University of New Hampshire and watching the mighty Wildcats (no seriously, they’re good!) take on the fearsome Delaware Blue Hens and they better be done by the time the Mississippi State-Bama game kicks off or else I’m going to watch it in Cowell Stadium on my phone. Seriously, do not miss this game. This is the biggest game in Mississippi State history and the key to all the dominoes that will fall next. Find your way to a screen and some booze and watch.

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Fancy Writer Quote of the Moment

From Ernest Hemingway:

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Have a brilliant weekend everyone. I’m going to be balling out in the Granite State. I’ll say hi to Jed Bartlett for y’all.

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