Worst of Netflix: Taintlight

To keep things rolling Stella meets Edwin in a community college with a pretty dismal theater and film program standing in for a high school…

…and blah blah blah aren’t sparkly vampires stupid blah blah blah gay joke blah blah blah fart noise blah.  I will say, though, the fact that every interaction between Edwin and Stella ends with him telling her to shut up because she’s stupid and then adding “So… talk to you tomorrow?” actually does sum up the relationship of the original pretty well.

Matters are further complicated when villains show up:

At left, the girl who can’t decide if she wants to do the voice of Lois Griffin, Harley Quinn or Magenta from Rocky Horror Picture Show, and instead manages to synthesize only the most annoying parts of each.  At right, the dude who can’t decide between Morrissey and Riff Raff.   Not pictured: Anyone you’d actually want in a movie.

Eventually things come to a head, and while Twilight has many, many, many, many, many, many, many faults, the lack of an extended Frisbee golf sequence set to a terrible ska band isn’t one of them.

And that’s the thing about Taintlight:  I thought it would’ve taken a team of scientists millions of dollars in funding and years of research to make something that’s actually worse than Twilight, but these people have somehow managed to do it with a camcorder and twenty bucks, and most of that was spent on wigs.  So on one level, it’s an accomplishment.  Just not, you know, one you’d ever want to actually tell another human being about.

Check out the Worst of Netflix archive.

Chris Sims is a freelance comedy writer from South Carolina. He briefly attended USC before he dropped out to spend more time with Grand Theft Auto, and his career subsequently took the path that you might expect from someone who makes that sort of decision. He blogs at http://www.the-isb.com and creates comics at http://www.actionagecomics.com.