Roger Clemens & the Skeeters: The Kenny Powers Story

When it comes to baseball and loudmouth assholes, two names come to mind: Roger Clemens and Kenny Powers. It’s only fitting, then, that Roger Clemens has decided to follow in Powers’ footsteps and try to hold onto the glory way longer than he should or anyone wants him to. Clemens has announced that he’s signed with the Sugar Land Skeeters of the independent Atlantic League of Professional Baseball. Next up? Mexico.

Roger Clemens is an allegedly ‘roided out piece of sh*t. His being an awful person is well documented and well regarded among aspiring dickheads everywhere. So considering he’s now going to a realm that is quite below the minor leagues, the Kenny Powers comparison just feels so natural, as if it was destined to be.

“But!” I can hear you scramble to sputter out from in front of your computer screen (seriously, a little less spit please), “Roger Clemens is a seven-time Cy Young award winner and one of the greatest pitchers of all time! He can’t be Kenny Powers because he’s the guy Kenny Powers imagines he is!”

Okay, fine, I admit that much is true, but I don’t think Clemens’ past success should undermine the analogy given the power of his world champion level douchebaggery and the fact that he can’t stop clinging to his former glory and is trying to relive it at the lowest levels of baseball.

This is what I see in my head whenever I think of Roger Clemens

Also, he’s playing for a team called the Skeeters. That sounds like a name Kenny Powers would come up with. I can see Mr. Powers thinking to himself about what to name his baseball team and trying to think of what he’s good at. I assume Kenny’s list of things he’s good at would look something like this:

1. Baseball
2. Skeeting all over fine bitches

Clemens is the type of narcissistic redneck Powers would be proud of, mostly because for him it would be like looking in a far more successful mirror. This was always the way things were destined to be for Clemens. He had to put off existing in his natural state of being, as a human turd, to actually have incredible success in his original pro career (which he allegedly unnaturally extended by being the personification of a steroid).

I will be rooting so very very hard for Clemens to fail so he can continue on his Kenny Powers journey. Things’ll really become a train wreck when he makes it to Mexico. I can’t wait.

In summary, fuck you, Roger Clemens. You’re an assclown and I hope you get rabies.