‘Holy Roller’ Tebow vs. ‘El Intercepto’ Sanchez: Top 10 Facts You Need to Know

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On the shoulders of rookie quarterback, Mark Sanchez and outspoken head coach, Rex Ryan, the Jets reached back to back AFC championship games in 2009 and 2010. Cut to 2 years later and the Jets seem to have fallen from grace. Then in a move that still has Jets fans scratching their heads, the Jets signed Tim Tebow. That’s right. Tim “Can I get some Christ up in here!” Tebow and Rex “Lets Eat a Goddamn Snack” Ryan on the same team, A match made in heaven. Not Tim Tebow’s “clouds and harps” heaven, my heaven where the houses are made of cupcakes and I’m married to the Olsen TRIPLETS (that’s right, 3 Olsen twins).

At the end of the day this is a football team and there is football to be played. The Jets QB situation has become a national news and one of the most intriguing stories going into the season. Barack Obama even commented on it saying “I gotta tell you, I don’t like the idea of a quarterback controversy at the start of a season, so if I was a Jets’ fan, I’d be pretty nervous.”

Mark and Tim are polar opposites, here are the top 10 differences between “The Sanchize” and “Jesus’ favorite football player” that you need to know.

1. HS and College Career

Mark Sanchez’s high school and college career were pretty run-of-the-mill for an NFL quarterback. Mark, Grew up in Cali, went 27-1 in his last 2 years of highschool and won a championship. He then went to USC, fought for a starting position, won it and then left for the NFL draft before his senior season.

Tim Tebow’s story is a bit more interesting. Tebow was born and raised a devout catholic. Because of this he was homeschooled which lead to a national debate as to whether homeschooled athletes should be allowed to participate on public school teams. Tebow was allowed to play and led his team to a Florida state title. He went on to play for the Florida Gators and became the first homeschooled player to ever win a Heisman.

2. Rise to Prominence

Mark Sanchez’s rise to Jet stardom happened after the Jets traded draft picks and players to work their way up to draft Sanchez #5 overall. Mark immediately became the starting quarterback and has held the title ever since despite frequent outcry from Jets fans to replace him with a Kidney stone because “A kidney stone can pass.”

God handed Tim Tebow to the Broncos with the 25th overall pick after a trade with Baltimore. He backed up Kyle Orton for the first 5 games and then took over the team during a game versus San Diego. Tebow ended up notching 6 come-from-behind victories during his 11 starts that season. During that time he became a media sensation and even started a pop culture craze with his signature “Tebowing” prayer kneel.

3. Play Style

Watching Tim play is like watching the final fight scene from 300. Admittedly, he isn’t the best passer but boy howdy does he push the ball. Tim’s aggressive style and general “will to win” is what sets him apart. Also, one time he scored a 20 yard rushing touchdown in high school… on a broken leg.

Good News: Mark Sanchez is quick and can get the ball away fast.
Bad News: Markey Mark has less range than a broken T-shirt cannon and is about as accurate as late-night Fox News coverage.

4. Romantic History

Tim Tebow is famously celibate due to his religion which is downright crazy because of all the prime rib he was going out with. Do you see that girl?!?! It makes me angry how hot she is! Tebow was also jokingly asked out by olympic runner, Lolo Jones, via twitter.

On the reverse side, Mark Sanchez has humped more models and actresses than a Wednesday in Los Angeles. Hayden Panettiere, Jamie Lynn Sigler and Kate Upton top the list of who’s taken a ride on the Sanchize.

5. Reputation

This is one big difference between the two quarterbacks. The two quarterback’s reputations could not be more opposite. Tim Tebow is looked upon as a natural leader and one of the most driven players in the NFL. On top of that, he has no off-field problems and is basically the resident goody-goody of professional Football.

Sanchez is the exact opposite. In college, he was arrested under allegations of sexual assault and was released without penalty. He left USC a year early at the prospect of more NFL money despite his coaches and mentors telling him to play his senior year. In the NFL, Sanchez hasn’t lived up to expectations and has often been criticized for not giving it his “all.” Sanchez has also been criticized for being distracted by other non-football opportunities. Also, he one time ate a hot dog during a game.

6. Heritage

Mark Sanchez is a proud Mexican-American and has often been looked upon as a role model for young people of the same descent.

Tim Tebow is whiter than toothpaste and is about as diverse as New Hampshire.

7. Who Has the Better Sandwich?

Here is where it really matter, who has the better sandwich named after them.
The Sanchini: (Huddle West Cafe)

Sourdough bread
Oven roasted turkey
Cheddar
Pesto sauce
Green Onions (Scallions)
The sandwich is then pressed into a panini.

The Jetbow: (Carnegie Deli)

Corned Beef
Pastrami
Roast Beef
American Cheese
Lettuce
Tomato
White Bread
The sandwich ends up weighing 3.5 lbs.

Advantage: Tebow.

8. Twitter Accounts

Follow Mark Sanchez if you wanna hear stuff like this:

Follow Tim Tebow if you wanna hear stuff like this:

Both Twitter accounts kinda suck.

9. Ladies Love Tebow

Sorry Mark! A recent survey shows that 19.6% of women would cheat on their husbands with Tim Tebow while 8.1 said they would cheat with Mark Sanchez.
Gonna be honest women, voting to cheat on your husband with Tim Tebow is like you voting that their favorite food is wax fruit.

10. Starter v. Non-starter

At the end of the day, Sanchez will get the starting job going into this season. That being said, Tebow fans, have no fear! Sanchez is probably on a tighter leash than in the past and Ryan might be more inclined to pull Sanchez out of a game with Tebow as the backup. On top of that, Tebow will probably be used in short yardage and goal line situations. Also, wouldn’t be surprised if Tim gets the nod during 4th quarter comeback situations.

Eitan Levine is a New York City based comic. Follow him on Twitter at @Eitanthegoalie .