Bazooka Joe to Ditch Comics & Release New ‘Hip’ Look

Since 1947, children have subjected themselves to TMJ-inducing logs of sugar, yearning desperately for the approval only a wax comic featuring a one eyed adolescent could provide. No more, says Anthony Trani, per The New York Times, vice president of marketing at Bazooka Candy Brands: “What we’re trying to do with the relaunch is to make the brand relevant again to today’s kids.”

They’ll be handing them out with Wham! albums this spring.

What does that mean exactly? The red, white and blue will be abandoned in favor of a design that would’ve seemed totally kickass in 1987. Fuscia and electric blue will adorn the packaging, along with “skateboard/graffiti”-influenced graphics, whatever the f*ck that means. Also, because the standard bubble gum flavor is no longer cool, a blue raspberry flavor will be making its debut, because no other candy is available in that flavor.

The final step in the modernization process will be the removal of the famous Bazooka Joe comics, as they’ll be replaced with brain teasers, and activities in order to engage customers on a higher intellectual level. For those that attended Bazooka Joe University, the change in curriculum may come as a shock.

Maybe we should have seen this coming

The drastic alterations have come as a result from sluggish gum sales in recent years. Since 2007, the company has lost nearly 48% of it’s total profit margin, with it’s target customer base opting for alternative chew. In an effort to combat the recent popularity of sugarless gum, which now promises to do everything from clean your teeth to save your failing marriage, Bazooka Joe has gone cool.

Joe’s gang of cohorts, including his turtleneck rocking amigo Mort, annoying little bastard Pesty, morbidly obese companion Herman, and never left the kitchen or voted girlfriend Jane, will be pushed far into the background for a campaign centered on how extreme and edgy these new fangled kids are today.