Warren Sapp decided to open his big stupid mouth to defend Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson in the ongoing fallout from his headbutting ex-wife Evelyn Lozada. Since the infamous domestic violence incident, Ochocinco has lost his job with the Miami Dolphins on national television, lost his reality show, lost his endorsement deal with Zico coconut water, and lost his marriage. Which sucks, but he deserves it for banging chicks he met on Twitter and then, allegedly, headbutting his wife.
Ochocinco hasn’t fought back against any of the charges against him, so defensive-line legend and Dancing with the Stars star Warren Sapp decided to do that for him. In an interview with Miami New Times, Sapp blamed Lozada for the domestic violence incident. I’ll leave Sapp to explain his scientific argument to you himself:
When is the last time one of your homeboys called you and told you, “Let me tell you about this fight at the club last night where this guy and his girlfriend were walking by and he turned around and headbutted the girl.” Never. He’s taking the rap for it. We don’t do that. She did it. That’s a woman that is going to depend on her beauty for the rest of her life to open any door she wants to walk through, and she is going to do what to her forehead? I’m done. [Chad] is a bunch of fun and I am sorry this had to happen to him.
Oh, well that solves it then. Thanks so much for clearing that up for me, Mr. Sapp. I see, of course, Ochocinco didn’t abuse his wife by headbutting her, he couldn’t have because I’ve never seen a guy headbutt a girl at a club. I guess Jerry Sandusky is innocent too because I’ve never seen a guy shower with a little boy at a club and neither have my homeboys.
Wow. Sapp has really opened my eyes to a whole new way of thinking that never occurred to me before. If I or my homeboys haven’t seen it happen before then it must not have ever happened. Maybe we should base the whole justice system on Sapp’s “pics or it didn’t happen” philosophy towards such matters. We’d certainly have a less clogged court system.
You’re a hero, Warren Sapp, a damn hero.