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The 2017 solar eclipse arrives on August 21. The contiguous United States hasn’t seen a solar eclipse since 1979, so it’s a big deal. There are viewing parties, rushes to buy dwindling supplies of solar eclipse glasses, and oh-so-serious educational events at libraries and museums.
That’s all good, but some people are just looking to lighten the mood. Luckily, some sites have been busily compiling lists of solar eclipse jokes and puns for your viewing pleasure (just remember not to look at the eclipse without proper solar eclipse viewing glasses while telling the jokes; that is not a joke. According to NASA, it can seriously, permanently damage your eyesight.)
You could just get a picture taken with your solar eclipse glasses on. Yes, you look pretty funny.
Here’s where you can go for lists of solar eclipse jokes with a joke provided per site:
Boy’s Life
Boy’s Life has a list of solar eclipse jokes sent in by its readers. Here’s one we like from the list, sent to Boy’s Life by Austin G. of Baltimore, Maryland:
“Austin: How does the man in the moon cut his hair?
Jaime: How?
Austin: Eclipse it.”
(Warning: Everyone shares this one.)
Buzzfeed
Buzzfeed compiled a list of 26 solar eclipse jokes. Check it out here.
Here’s an example: “Why didn’t the sun go to college? Because it already had a million degrees.”
Yeah, we kind of rolled our eyes too, but that’s how most solar eclipse jokes go down.
Astronomy Trek
Why stop with solar eclipse jokes? If you run out of them, Astronomy Trek has compiled a list of astronomy jokes about astronauts, the eclipse, the moon, and other things.
An example: “Copernicus’ parents might deserve some of the credit for his great discovery. Apparently at the age of twelve they said to him: ‘Copernicus, young man, when are you going to realize that the world does NOT revolve around you.’”
CBS Local
Some local stations are getting into the solar eclipse joke business. So it is with CBS local, which is based in Chicago and which has a list of solar eclipse jokes.
Example: “How do you organize an eclipse party? You planet.”
That Georgia Sheriff
Even Georgia sheriffs have gotten into the solar eclipse joking game. On August 3, Oconee Sheriff Scott Berry posted…well, you just have to read it. This was posted to the Oconee Sheriff’s Department’s official Facebook page:
Sheriff Scott Berry announces that on Monday, August 21, at about the time your kids are riding home from school on the bus that there will be a solar eclipse of the sun as celestial forces no one understands will blot out the sun. It is very likely this is the end of life on this planet as we know it.
As your Sheriff I expect each of you to begin panicking today. There is no need to wait til Sunday night to buy bread and milk. The shelves will be empty already as vast hordes descend on grocery stores. If you wait, the only thing left will be potted meat and knock off brand cereal with such names as “RaisinO’s” and “CheeriBran”
Don’t look at the eclipse, unless of course you live in the backwoods of Tennessee. In that case no one will hear you scream as you stumble blindly into a moonshine still or a bear trap. Millions of Americans are blinded every week by staring directly into the sun, eclipse or not. Don’t do it.
Your sunglasses will not protect you from certain death if you look at the sun. However, for a mere $29.99 (plus $9.00 shipping and handling) you can order “stare directly at the sun wearing these” glasses from NASA and the Home Shopping Network.
Pregnant women should smoke and drink liquor during the eclipse. This will prevent radioactive waves from making your ankles swell and being grouchy most of the time. Meanwhile, your other children will be on the school bus wondering why it got dark so early. An afternoon snack of potted meat will encourage then to ignore the end of the world as we know it.
Leading scientists tell us that post eclipse the only two things they expect to survive are cockroaches and Facebook. Wait, is that one thing or two things????
Not the Onion.
Twitter & Reddit
You could always head to Twitter, where everyone thinks they’re funny, and some people actually are.
You could also head to Reddit. This is pretty funny.