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Russia Bans Sex Doll River Race in Most Soviet Uniony Move Since Pussy Riot

First they came for Pussy Riot and I said nothing because my pussy was not riotous. Then they came for the sex doll river race and there was no one to speak to me.

Russia, continuing its fascistic attacks on free speech, has banned the Bubble Baba Challenge this year. The Bubble Baba Challenge is an annual race where 500 participants grab their handy inflatable sex dolls and jump into the Vuoksa River, seeing who can swim on their erotic makeshift boats the fastest.

Never mind how incredibly stupid this is or how more than 500 people, ages 15 to 59, happen to have an inflatable sex doll just lying around (seriously, do they use the good sex doll to show off to their fellow competitors or the bad sex doll since you know it’s going to get wet and dirty? Inquiring minds want to know), what’s important is that Russia is starting to seem a bit Soviet Uniony here.

Fist they lock up Pussy Riot, a Russian punk band and the only type of riot I’d potentially enjoy, for two years for daring to protest against the great and mighty Putin. Now they’re taking away something that makes the world a significantly sillier, and therefore better place.

Russian officials are claiming that the ban is due to dangerously high water levels and the repairs of roads and rail bridges downstream, however, that smells like bullsh*t to a number of racers (and lil’ ol’ me). After all, how can you trust a government that just put a punk band in prison for two years?

They’ve been very boot stompy towards any sort of protest these days, so the idea of a large gathering of silly people must look to such paranoid nutsacks like a danger.

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