The Complete Complex Living, Breathing Guide To Joe-Jitsu

INTRODUCTION

The art of Joe Jitsu was founded by MMA fighter Joseph Benavidez.

He wears many hats and goes by many names, including:

The Beefcake, The Whirling Dervish, Joe B-Wan Kenobi, Rocky Bal-joe-a, Big Baby Jesus, Handsome, Short, The Mexican Buddha, Jobo the head bashing clown, Reno “the biggest little man in the world.”

He prefers to be called Joseph by his friends and Lord Joseph to his pupils (and lovers), who look to him not only as an instructor of the deadly art but also as a spiritual leader who can improve their life way beyond the art.

Joseph was born with a raging thirst to succeed, no body hair and an undying hunger to etch his legacy into the world. Looks as though he has succeeded with Joe-Jitsu, where not only his name but also his influence will live forever.

Lord Joseph - Master of Joe-Jitsu

Growing up in Las Cruces, New Mexico – where his childhood was anything but perfect – Lord Joseph managed to thrive in a world of chaos. As a kid he aspired to become a professional volleyball player or Hollywood stuntman. But his God-given ability to make anything he wears look expensive led him to a short stint as a part-time model (so short it consisted of a single shoot). But on this shoot he met another model/fighter who would change his life forever.

Lord Joseph is a soft-spoken humble warrior. He describes his own body as granite wrapped in silk.  He’s a regular guy with exceptional hair, style and fighting skills. The stamina of a Nascar racecar, the killer instinct of a …serial killer and the strength of a one armed, teenage chimpanzee.

His beauty seems to play a factor in his victories, as his opponents seem mesmerized by his perfect bone structure, and often become sexually confused by his seductive rump and succulent thighs. This, coupled with his relentless pace, has led to the destruction of many adversaries.

What he has displayed this far in the MMA world can draw comparisons to his real life brilliance. For instance, his opponents and lovers both agree that he possesses super-human ground and pound, an unbelievable choke hold and is truly prettyhardtoholdonto.

Few things give him the joy he feels when standing in the cage, arm raised, with thousands of screaming fans. Amongst those things: sleep, bowling, volleyball, board games, family, sexual intercourse, Goodwill shopping and of course traveling the globe. The avid world traveler has been across a better part of the USA and has ventured out of the country twice (if you count Mexico).

With all these achievements, experiences, and praise, Lord Joseph feels the creation of Joe-Jitsu will be his defining work. We think you will agree.

Do yourself a favor…change your life!

Awesome Rank – Rubber Ducky Belt

I know what you’re thinking. “Wow, awesome is quite a place to start!” And you’re right, it is. For most people (normies), “Awesome” is the end all, be all. In Joe-Jitsu it’s just a starting point. While Joe-Jitsu recognizes that you may be awesome by “normie” standards, you are just a baby in the world of Joe-Jitsu. Therefore you will be SPOONFED knowledge beyond your tiny newborn brains capacity. To symbolize your infantness in the art the Noble Rubber Ducky adorns the Awesome belt. The power and skills you will possess upon passing the Awesome rank are described with words that were previously undefinable before the Joe-Jitsu revolution.

Terocious Rank (Terrific and Ferocious) – Plaid Belt

The unlikely pairing of these two traits creates the necessary fabric imperative to progress through the most arduous rank of Joe-Jitsu. Represented by the cloth of everyman – plaid – a print worn proudly by the Brawny Man, Catholic School girls, Ariel Helwani, Paul Bunyan, women who enjoy hiking, power lifting and/or the shot put. Much like the vast group who find comfort in the warmth and versatility of their plaid garment of choice, the students in the Terocious rank have been known to become complacent and find comfort in the plaid belt. We find it strange how Joe-Jitsu and real life become parallel in this part of the journey. For example, though many men and women can wear plaid, it takes a unique, strong minded individual to break through the familiar (plaid belt) and on to the misunderstood (snakeskin belt).

Sexcellent Rank – Snake Skin Belt

Sexiness is something that you’re born with, and when paired with excellence, your sexiness can grow sexier. If you have made it this far you know fashion is a must, and nothing says fashion like a snake skin belt. This made it the obvious choice to repesent the Sexcellent rank. This sense of fashion in conjunction with a can-do attitude (and a lil oomph) can help one slither through the rank and inherit the snakes best attributes, such as its python-like grip, cobra-like reflexes and most importantly prettyhardtoholdontoness.

Approaching Scrumtralecent Rank – Piano Key Belt

All the joy and wonder the sweet sounds of the piano have brought upon the world you will feel in the split second that you are handed your piano key belt for acheiving “Approaching Scrumtralcent.” Were it not for your newly-developed strength, the sheer force of this joy would kill you. To let them know that the top rank “Scrumtralecent” is within striking distance we have simply added “Approaching.” Completion of “Approaching Scrumtralecent” rank will require exactly 17 times the dicipline exhibited by piano masters like Sir Elton John, Billy Joel, Bethoven, and Stevie Wonder even though it has nothing to do with the piano nor will you be asked to play any musical instrument.

Scrumtralecent Rank – Tie Dye Belt

Upon achieving your Scrumtralecent rank you will be handed the elusive Tie Dye belt. The endless possibilites of the much sought after tie dye print will reopen your already open mind to a whole new openness. It’s an experience that cannot be explained in words, which is why we have stolen this made up word made famous by Will Ferrell’s portayal of James Lipton on Saturday Night Live. The unpredictability of the tie dye print represents the unpredictable fighting style of a true Joe-Jitsu master, not to mention all the chaos and heartbreak you have caused in your conquest and all the lives you have left in shambles.

Life Skills:

Once you have achieved Scrumtralecent (the pinnacle of Joe-Jitsu) and have garnered such desirable traits as unpredictability and prettyhardtoholdontoness, you will be expected to become a well-rounded individual outside this realm you know so well.

Understanding that this is an intimidating task after the wear and tear Joe-Jitsu has put on your mind and body, all we ask of our students is mediocrity in other facets of life (we just want you to be pretty good at other stuff) and challenge yourself by learning tasks that are not necessary in your everyday life (but could come in handy).  You will be handsomely rewarded with corresponding patches to complement your Tie Dye belt for each life skill.

Note: If you do not have your sewing patch Lord Joseph will sew it on for you.

Bowling Patch (bowling pin) – Score 156
Golf Patch (ball on tee) – Shoot 1 par
Pay for Sex Patch (mud flap lady) – Pay for Sex
Mile High Patch (mud flap lady with small airplane) – Have sex on Airplane
Oil change Patch (oil can) – Change your own oil
Gardening Patch (hoe and spade)
Camping Patch (Fire and tent)
Hunting Patch (Dead animal)
Good House Keeping Patch (feather duster)
Sewing Patch (needle and thread)
Trivia Patch (brain)
Tennis Patch (racket)
Knot Tying Patch (knot)
Travelers Patch (suitcase) – Leave Country twice
Music Patch (musical Note) – Learn to play Instrument
Gambling Patch (cards and chips dice)
Eating Patch (fat kid) – Food challenge of Lord Josephs choice
Dancing Patch – (Disco Ball)
Handy Man Patch (hammer and wrench)
Video Game (old school nintendo controller) – Beat Mario Bros Part 1
Skiing patch (skis and poles)
Half Marathon Patch (runner)
Tie Patch (tie) – Tie a tie
Bilingual patch (globe)

More Life Skills can be added at Lord Joseph’s discretion.

Advancement:

Like Jiu-Jitsu uses stripes, Joe-Jitsu will use rhinestones and utilize a 5 level advancement system.

1) In pursuit of
2) On the path to
3) In the vicinity of
4) Knocking on the door of
5) Breathing down the neck of

For example:

If you are a snake skin belt with 4 rhinestones, you are “Sexcellent” knocking on the door of “Approaching Scrumtralecent.”

If you are a Piano Key belt with 5 rhinestones, you are “Approaching Scrumtralecent” breathing down the neck of “Scrumtralecent.”

If you are a Plaid belt with 3 rhinestones, you are “Terocious” in the vicinity of “Sexcellent.”

Punishment:

Should you not take your Joe-Jitsu seriously or misrepresent the art in any way, you will be force to strap on a Jiu-Jitsu black belt while your teammates beat you without mercy.

You’re Welcome,

Lord Joseph

Joseph Benavidez is a UFC bantamweight fighter. You can follow him on Twitter for more life-changing goodness.