So y’all were nice enough to make last week’s College Football Field Guide my most read ever at Heavy.com. Thanks for that. It is deeply appreciated. I’d send you each a Koozie if I could. But I can’t, because that would bankrupt me. Actually, with my college loans, being bankrupt would probably be an improvement, but I digress. Actually, this column is going to be full of digressions this week, because the slate of college football games this weekend sucks. Now is this weekend vastly superior to any weekend from February till August? Yes. Yes it is. But we’re all spoiled now, because we’ve had a steady stream of football. It’s kind of like when you’ve had a significant other for a while. The initial rush of “Wow it’s been a while since I’ve gotten to have this much special naked time with someone!” is over and now, unless your significant other is wearing or doing something unconscionably pornish (And I hope they are!), you’re getting all complacent and snobby about it. It’s human.
But seriously, I’m supposed to be selling you Minnesota at Nebraska because they’re ranked? Last week Nebraska’s defense got spanked like Jesse Jane in a fetish flick. USC vs. UCLA? Other than the fact that I envy their weather, neither of those teams have been relevant in weeks. I personally care about Missouri and Tennessee, and that does have some national ramifications based on the fact that Missouri could totally screw things up by winning the SEC East and then sniping a team from the West in the SEC Championship game, which would throw things into a freaking tailspin and cause Ohio State fans to yell even louder that they should be in the Final Four. But none of that is knowable now.
So, since none of the marquee games are objectively good enough to warrant your attention, we’re going to go all glance games this week and mention them only for their ability to potentially get you to glance at your What to Watch app and say, “Huh, that’s on? Well, I need something to justify the alcoholic beverage in my hand.” It’s the only way I can be honest with you, dear reader.
Glance Games of the Weekend
(20) Missouri at Tennessee (TV: ESPN, 7:30 PM EST)
The aforementioned national implications are reason enough to give this some of your time but you should want to see new Tennessee quarterback Josh Dobbs play. The kid is the future of football in the State of Tennessee, fun to watch run around and the key to this game. Missouri, for all their inconsistencies (Seriously, how the hell did you lose to Indiana in football?), have a stout defense. That didn’t stop Dobbs from playing pretty well against Alabama in the second half of that game, and Neyland stadium will be rocking. If Butch Jones wins out–which is likely based on the fact that Tennessee plays Vanderbilt next week and Vandy has returned to being Vandy–he’ll have gone 7-5 and have a definitive answer at quarterback, which looked impossible before the season started.
New Hampshire at Maine (TV: NBC Sports Network 3:30 PM EST)
Seriously? Seriously. So I went to New Hampshire to visit my sister, who is a freshman at the UNH, and take in a football game. As an SEC alum, the Granite State tailgating game was adorable. I mean, I wasn’t expecting much, but I’m 100 percent sure any Texas high school football tailgate would have trumped hanging out in a field next to the stadium in 30 degrees and slamming down a few beers before the game. That said, the Wildcats are the No. 1 team in that cute little non-Power 5 league they play in and because I went and froze watching them curb stomp Delaware last week, I’m invested. Also, this is a rivalry game and when New Hampshire and Maine get together, it’s a doozy. And then they’ll all go out for pancakes or something. By the way, even in that picture, which I’m sure was taken in August, Miss New Hampshire looks cold.
Boston College at (3) Florida State (TV: ABC/ESPN 3:30 PM EST)
For the love of god, SOMEONE BEAT THESE GUYS. Come on Boston College, you’re up. Do this for America. Florida State is like the villain in a horror movie. They just will not die. And, much like the villain in a horror movie, they murder innocent people with chainsaws.
18 USC at 9 UCLA (TV: ABC 8:00 PM EST)
Something, something, something, rivalry, tradition, they have better weather than you, something.
Fancy Writer Quote of the Moment
Easy reading is damn hard writing.
Enjoy the weekend and the games, everyone.