NFL Week 14 Preview: Justin Bieber Curse Edition

(Getty)

(Getty)

I’ve never heard Justin Beiber sing. Never. I have an iPod, satellite radio and full control of what enters into my ears the overwhelming majority of the time. So I don’t have any critique of his music. Haven’t heard it. Never will. His public persona? Yeah, he seems like a schmuck. Couldn’t escape that.

Which makes it so perplexing as to why the kid has been appearing in various NFL locker rooms these past few weeks.

The kid is the walking definition of “distraction” that NFL coaches and GMs all hate. I know that the majority of upper income, uber-white NFL executives know nothing about social media other than what some assistant tells them, but even they must have a son or daughter somewhere that tells them that:

A) Justin Bieber Sucks

B) He Shouldn’t Be Around Your Football Team

Frankly, the failure to prevent this is largely on the children. It’s their duty, as trust fund babies, to protect daddy’s players from themselves. Because we all know that the players are just being pointed in the direction of a cellphone as one of Biebs’ people snaps away.

Oh, there’s a curse thing too? It’s amazing that the NFL hasn’t SEAL Team Sixed this yet.

Also, I didn’t bother making a College Football Field Guide this week. Just watch, or openly convert to communism. The rankings are the ultimate troll. Every week, they do something that drives the sports chat illuminati utterly insane. This week it is TCU being above Baylor, combined with the notion that Ohio State is still being entertained as a possible Final Four member. Both are adorable and they’ll be corrected in the final poll after this weekend’s games.

Ultimately this poll is just for entertainment. But most people aren’t in on that joke. This is the one and only poll that actually matters and their results are gonna be based off of results on the field. Which this weekend will largely settle. Which will mean the time and energy spent debating other polls are going to seem pointless.

T’was, ever, thus.

Lastly, my buddy Casino Joe and I spoke to my idol William F. Leitch on our podcast Thursday night. It was life changing. At least for me. For Will, it was Thursday.

Onward.


HALF-WATCH

Bills at Broncos (TV: CBS, 4:05 P.M. EST)

Demaryius Thomas, Denver Broncos

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You gotta love that Kyle Orton and his neckbeard are still keeping the good people of Western New York enthused about their team, despite the fact that there is still approximately seven hundred billion feet of snow around (note: that is a completely reasonable scientific measurement). That said, they are probably going to get destroyed in this game as Denver makes its late season push for the playoffs and a division crown. So while you’re chilling with your ho-ho-hoes, only give this a glance. I apologize deeply for that last sentence. It was awful. Much like this second half will probably be.


HATE-WATCH

Cowboys at Bears (TV: NFL Network, 8:25 P.M. EST Thursday)

Dallas, Cowboys, Chicago, Bears, Tony Romo

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Oh good, the two most hateable things in the NFL universe: Thursday Night Football and the Dallas Cowboys. On our Two People Arguing podcast, Joe fell hook, line and sinker for these guys at the beginning of the year. And no. No, you should not do that. Here is the portion of Groundhog Day where the Cowboys are killing themselves. Which creative method will they chose this year? My guess is losing this game where they’re laying 4 points (to give you a hint on what the dog is thinking) and then going through the rest of their schedule and completely choking like dogs. Who is that, you may ask? Only at the Eagles, home against the Colts and at Dan Snyder kicks puppies (BTW, DSKP beat the Cowboys already in Dallas). Here comes the inevitable and completely foreseeable decline. Or, Chicago loses and my grand theory is terrible. Either way, Twitter will be unbelievable after this game. Enjoy that.


HAVE-TO-WATCH

Seahawks at Eagles (TV: FOX, 4:25 P.M. EST)

Image (2) PeteCarrollMoonwalkSaints.gif for post 492415

Dominant defense against prolific offense? That’s the way I like my weekends scheduled! Good job Ginger Hammer. That’s great hustle. By the way, I don’t know if you guys have heard this, but there’s a chance that Seattle doesn’t make the playoffs this season. So keep an eye out for that sort of thing.


Patriots at Chargers (TV: NBC, 8:30 P.M. EST)

Denver Broncos v New England Patriots

This is the kind of game the Chargers win. Sure, they’ll let down against someone awful, but this, this is the golden game that they win and pisses everyone off. Almost enough to make this a Hate-Watch, but — NOT SO FAST MY FRIEND!– this is a very, very cranky Patriots team that lost last week. You do not like Tom Brady when he is angry (and Gronk is healthy and by the way, that season-ending injury — that I explicitly both predicted and do not want — could totally happen in this game and damn it San Diego I’m already angry at you for injuring Gronk and it’s Friday). I need to see this game. I need to see Gronk walk off the field in one piece to believe it will happen.


SKEPTICAL SIERRA’S DOG OF THE WEEK

Skeptical Sierra

Whether it be Tony Kornheiser having Reginald The Monkey pick or Drew Magary having Nazi Bill Simmons pick, people often use random stuff in order to talk about the weird nature of gambling. Casino Joe lives and dies every Sunday, and I do not want to do that. Plus, it’s quite likely he’ll wind up in someone’s trunk. Therefore, I’m having the dog in my apartment, Sierra, pick an underdog of the week.

This Week’s Game: Bears +4 at home against the Cowboys.

So the dog agrees with me that the Cowboys go down in this game. I wanted to make sure I objectively tested this and I’m not projecting anything on an innocent puppy whose 2-2 record is quite fragile. So we watched videos of the Cowboys. She was bored and walked away from the laptop and played with a chew toy and annoyed the cat. Then I showed her pictures of Jay Cutler. And then she went back to annoying the cat. Then I showed her pictures of Jay Cutler’s wife. She couldn’t run away from me fast enough. So, finally, I showed her videos of Tony Romo throwing an interception in the fourth quarter in December. She barked. And then I showed her more. I could tell by the look in her eyes, she was a believer. Also, she really got sick of me and really wanted to attack the cat some more. I feel confident that I’m not misrepresenting her wishes at all.

Sierra’s 2014 Record: 2-2

Lukewarm Dog.


Random Aaron Sorkinism Of The Moment

Jordan: All I meant by ‘cloak and dagger’ is that I’m not cut out for the security meetings and the secret this and the back channel ambassadors. It’s like you’re in the Mafia.

Leo: Well, it may be like I’m in the Mafia, but I’m not. I work for the good guys.

Jordan: It was one sentence. The problem was that you were never at the other end of the phone.

Leo: That’s an entirely different kettle of beans and we can have that discussion, but history has shown if you just wait and tell it to a divorce lawyer you can have half of my stuff.

Jordan: I don’t want your stuff.

Leo: You don’t know; some of it’s good stuff.

Enjoy the weekend and the games everyone and thank you William F. Leitch. You are an amazingly nice man.