A little while ago, we did the 20 Worst Superheroes, where we cataloged a load of the worst long-underwear do-gooders to ever fight crime on the printed page. But you know what? Even the lamest superheroes still beat the bad guys. In some ways, it’s actually more pathetic to be a super-villain – no matter how awesome your evil plan, you know that by the end of the issue it’s going to be smashed into little bits by some roided-out cape-wearer and you’ll be cooling your heels in jail. So here’s twenty bad guys who suck so bad that even the lamest hero can take them down.
Villains are motivated by all sorts of issues – whether it be desire for money, power, or revenge. But this garboon clashed with Daredevil over… nostalgia. Turner D. Century rode a flying bicycle through San Francisco on a criminal quest to restore the lost glory of the City by the Bay, wielding a “time horn” that was supposed to kill everybody who heard it that was under 65 years old.
Disco never did anything good for this world besides letting Giorgio Moroder buy mountains of cocaine. So when Marvel tried to cash in on the craze, it’s only natural that the results would be equally retarded. The Hypno-Hustler and his band the Mercy Killers use mass hypnosis to ensorcell unwitting audiences (basically exactly like fellow Marvel villain the Ringmaster) until Spider-Man beat his ass simply by not listening to disco. Solves so many problems.
Marvel Comics has a thing for fat villains. After striking gold with the Blob, you’d think they’d be done with it. But no, the House of Ideas kept on creating more and more menacing tubbos, to diminishing returns. One of the lousiest was Alpha Flight villain Pink Pearl. Yes, she’s named after the eraser. No, she doesn’t have any cool reality-erasing powers or anything. She’s just a doughy broad in a pink muu-muu. Maybe that’s what passes for a criminal mastermind in Canada.
Scientists: always coming up with bad ideas. Take Defenders villain Ruby Thursday – after developing a high-tech organic computer, what does she do with it? Does she sell it to Steve Jobs for billions of dollars? No, she cuts off her own head and puts the computer on her shoulders to embark on a life of crime. Positives: she still has a really great rack. Negatives: she has a Madball where her kisser should be.
Okay, so DC’s first mammoth crossover was Crisis on Infinite Earths, in which the Multiverse was destroyed and lives were changed forever. The architect of all this chaos was a superhumanly powerful dude named the Monitor, who did a lot of stuff that made no sense whatsoever. Probably his weirdest move was creating a suit of armor that gave the bearer superhuman strength and durability, and then giving it to a mentally retarded man named… wait for it… Dufus P. Ratchet. Dubbing himself Big Sir, he fought the Flash before being killed by an exploding baby.