Comedy

Terrible Gifts For The MMA Fan

Terrible Gifts For The MMA FanThere are a lot of weird things to buy your favorite MMA fan – those ugly Afflicition/Tapout t-shirts, big ol’ belt buckles, training gear, a billion videos offering to show you the proper way to kick someone’s ass, but here at Heavy, we know you’ve already got all that crap. This is the gift list for the MMA fan who has everything… and who you hate.

UFC Championship Belt Buckle: Because you’ll never actually win the UFC belt, you can look like some kind of UFC-themed rodeo clown with this hilariously huge belt buckle. This thing is big enough that you can eat a meal off of it. It’s covered with shiny stuff, so you feel pretty about wearing it. And it’s UFC, so it’s not even remotely gay that you’re wearing a dinner plate with freaking rhinestones and glitter all over it.

Ground N Pound Teddy Bear: What better way to show your love than with a cutesy-wootsie teddy bear, decorated with two blood-covered brawlers? This is the perfect thing to give a small child or a grown man with the mind of a small child (perhaps from too many blows to the head?). Above and beyond “Ground N Pound” being one of the most homoerotic sports terms in the world (we’re talking “tight end” and “wide receiver” levels of gay-sounding), slapping it on a teddy bear is pretty much daring anyone to say something about how fruity the entire thing looks.

The Fight Game: Because when I think “Brutal MMA Action” I think BOARD GAMES! This looks like it’s basically an MMA version of one of those old Stat-Trax baseball games from your childhood, where you rolled a bunch of dice and checked a bunch of charts to see if your pitcher threw a sinker or a slider or whatever. Essentially, it combines all the action of rolling dice with all the fun of consulting the 1998 Federal Tax Code. If nothing else, it seems to promise inter-gender bouts, which is guaranteed to getsomebody upset, whether it be feminists, politicians, or the ghost of Andy Kaufman.

Pretty much anything from the Jesus Didn’t Tap collection: Because when I think of Jesus of Nazareth, the Lamb of God, I think BRUTAL CAGE FIGHTING. To quote their website: “When Jesus stepped inside the cage of life to take on the cross, human legs did not kicked his out from under him.” I don’t know what that means, man, but it sounds pretty deep. When you’re beating another dude within an inch of your respective lives for money, you’ve got to keep Christ in your heart. That was what Jesus said, right? Do unto others before they do unto you? Or was that somebody else?

Tapout Cage Bed: When your dreams of being in The Octagon aren’t enough, and you want to actually dream INSIDE The Octagon, the Tapout Cage Bed is just the thing for you. Or, if you’re into some really freaky sex action, and you want a headboard that can withstand your rough play with plenty of loops to attach handcuffs, chains, or whatever else floats your perverted little boat to. Either way, this looks like the Sports Authority had a baby with Mistress Veronica’s Pleasure Dungeon. Ladies, if you return to a man’s home and find THIS thing in his bedroom, we’d advise running.

TAPOUT Garter Belt: If you’re actually TRYING to sex a guy who owns a Tapout Cage Bed, then this is the article of clothing for you! Suitable for brides, strippers, or a cage fighter who just wants to feel a little prettier, the Tapout Garter Belt comes from that den of ridiculous quasi-bootleg crap known as Etsy, and is clearly just a regular old garter that somebody slapped a Tapout sticker on. Nice going, Etsy user. Can’t wait for your inevitable cease & desist order!

My Man Michael: There are romance novels about pretty much every topic imaginable, and My Man Michael takes the world of passion and sensuality into the world of MMA. Hunky tough guy cage fighter Michael “Mallet” Manchester trashes his legs in a car crash. Will he ever fight again? Will the beautiful Kayli help him find the inner strength he needs to go on? (Hint: Yes.) Lori Foster, author of My Man Michael has actually written about a half dozen MMA-themed romance novels… and a couple books about a sexy girl demon hunter. I, for one, cannot wait for the inevitable crossover.

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