Comedy

Understanding The Hollywood Lesbo Deathfest

Understanding The Hollywood Lesbo DeathfestWith the untimely but not very surprising passing of publicity-seeking part-time lesbian Casey Johnson last week, the harsh glare of the media has been cast on a particularly seedy subculture – the Hollywood famewhore dyke crowd. But who are these women, and why are they so weird? In this article, I’ll run down all the major players, their connections to each other, and the odds of them dying in 2010.

Casey JohnsonCasey Johnson – Great-great granddaughter of Johnson & Johnson founder Robert Wood Johnson, Casey has had more money than she knew what to do with for every day of her short life. Like many socialites, her lifelong dream was to become an actress, but aside from E True Hollywood Stories and a bit part in a Sharon Stone movie, she never made that big break. Instead, she decided to do drugs and lose her mind. After adopting an infant girl from Kazakhstan, Johnson became the world’s least capable parent in 2007. But the responsibility of motherhood wasn’t enough to stop her from doing idiotic things like robbing model Jasmine Lennard and leaving a wet towel and a dildo as her calling card. Cut off by her family, she lived in a filthy, rat-infested house and was on her way to a year in jail when she announced her engagement to Tila Tequila and died of a mysterious overdose.

Odds of her dying in 2010: Bets are closed on this one.

Tila TequilaTila Tequila – The rare entry on this list who’s not pants-crapping rich, Tila Nguyen was born of French Vietnamese parents and when she turned legal began making a living showing her naughty bits on Myspace. Her online fame launched her into the world of reality TV with A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila, in which a bevy of both dudes and ladies tried to win her affection. Offscreen, she was connected with Shawne Merriman until a bizarre domestic violence squabble threw her into the arms of Casey Johnson, and the two got engaged in December of 2009. Less than a month later, Johnson was dead. Tequila has flirted with the Reaper herself, most recently posting suicide threats on Twitter, her venue of choice for idiocy.

Odds of her dying in 2010: 1-1.

Cautrenay SemelCourtenay Semel – Daughter of former Yahoo! CEO Terry Semel, Courtenay Semel is known for two things: being hugely rich and being a huge bitch. Another heiress turned wanna-be actress, Semel had a bit part in the Bruce Willis stinker Hudson Hawk before giving up on legit stardom and settling for tabloid fame. Rumors suggest that Semel was the first lesbian lover of a young Lindsay Lohan, and was also in a relationship with Tila Tequila in 2008, as well as dating Casey Johnson. That is, of course, in between going to rehab for “exhaustion” and setting Casey Johnson’s hair on fire. Now she busies herself dishing dirt on Tila and looking for a new straight girl to turn to the V side.

Odds of her dying in 2010: 15-1.

Lindsay LohanLindsay Lohan – Probably the most conventionally successful woman on this list, which is probably a sad thing. Lindsay made her debut as a cherubic child actress in The Parent Trap, and it was all downhill from there. Lindsay was inducted into the Hollywood lesbo deathfest by Courtenay Semel in 2007, but Semel was just a “starter wife” to prep Li-Lo for her long relationship with celebrity DJ Samantha Ronson. The pair lived together in Sapphic bliss in 2007 until Lindsay met Ronno, at which point Semel moved down the food chain to Tila Tequila. For all of Lohan’s problems, she has the tenacity of a cockroach, and it’s still unknown what force on this Earth will either clean her up or kill her.

Odds of her dying in 2010: 3-1.

Jasmine LennardJasmine Lennard – A lezzie trainwreck from across the pond, Lennard was named after one of her father’s mistresses and starred on the British edition of Make Me A Supermodel, where she was so odious that host Rachel Hunter wished she would get stung by a bee and die… on camera. She quickly hopped the pond to Los Angeles, where she allegedly dated Hugh Grant and Courtenay Semel, who texted Lennard to tell her that Casey Johnson had robbed her and was wearing her underpants. Lennard is a disaster of titanic proportions herself, engaging in public catfights and talking smack about the villain of the day, grieving widow Tila Tequila

Odds of her dying in 2010: 7-1.

Samantha RonsonSamantha Ronson – Probably the most well-adjusted on the list, Ronson was pulled into the morass by Lindsay Lohan in 2008 after the pair were seen canoodling in public. Unlike the wishy-washy bisexuals above, Ronson has always been committed to the Sapphic lifestyle, but who knows what’ll happen now that her and Lindsay are taking a break from each other – Lohan’s manic Tweets of jealousy may drive Ronson over the edge.

Odds of her dying in 2010: 35-1.

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