We now find ourselves perusing the databases of the rarified teams of the NFL. This batch of teams are all playoff bound should the dominoes fall as they have been placed. And with a few lucky breaks, any of these teams could find themselves in Cowboys Stadium come next February, playing for a Lombardi Trophy. They are all teams that will get beaten down your throat on main event games throughout the year, and some asshole friend of your’s will likely pick them up as his “favorite team ever” for this year. These are the Second-Tier of Super Teams…
#8: MINNESOTA VIKINGS
PERTINENT DATA: 12-4 last year, beat Dallas at home in the divisional round of the playoffs before Brett Favre remembered he was Brett Favre, turned back into a pumpkin, and started throwing passes to the wrong color jerseys in the NFC Championship game against the Saints in New Orleans; 11 to 1 odds to win Super Bowl XLV.
TEAM BRAIN TRUST: Look, bald-headed cuckold Brad Childress is the head coach of this team, but like most times he’s been in place, Brett Favre has usurped that power structure to basically run the offense as he sees fit. Plus, he hunts and fishes with enough strategically placed defensive and special teams veterans to get himself loved throughout the locker room. For as long as he decides to come back and gunsling it up, this is Brett Favre’s team.
FRESH BLOOD (new force on the team): CB Lito Sheppard was out of place last year on the New York Jets, but finds himself back in his more natural NFC, and he will give an already stout purple defense a ballhawking veteran presence in the secondary. This defense has the potential to be monstrous, and yet still overlooked because of all the nonsense on offense.
DRUNKEN SOUL (most awesome force on the team): Kevin and Pat Williams are two giant black dudes who are not related who gobble up the middle of the defensive line, tend to be goofy happy-go-lucky dudes, and everything else emanates out from that. Most locker rooms could not tolerate someone like the Ol’ Gunslinger coming and going as he pleases, but with some stout personalities like the Williamses, it can be absorbed in Minnesota.
THE DEION (most cancerous force on the team): Who else? Brett Favre. He has somehow in the span of three years gone from the most respected and solid football player known to man to the biggest joke of a douchebag football player in forever.
TEAM ELDER (longest tenured dude on team): TE Jimmy Kleinsasser has been with the Vikings since the 1999 draft.
WILD SAMOAN: A fullback who played at Brigham Young named Naufahu Tahi. Of course.
THE ICKY (best name on team): Visanthe Shiancoe is a fun name that sounds like a dance based off of stabbing people in jail.
’80S MOVIE ANTANGONIST (most evil rich white high schooler name): Everson Griffin and Chad Greenway, tennis partners, and conspiring to beat the poor kid who is using a tennis scholarship as his means to get a college degree by bribing the judge, and ultimately ruining the poor kid’s life.
RAP VIDEO JERSEY FANTASY (nonsense): Driving a minivan, wearing a black alternate Daunte Culpepper jersey from the Goodwill, listening to K’naan.
NFLUMINATI KARMIC FACTOR (franchise’s psychic power within pro football): The Vikings are a storied franchise, but always the bridesmaid. That is their role. Plus 2 factor.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: 10-6, good enough for a wild card berth, to fly out to San Francisco and have Mike Singletary unleash his knee cripplers on Favre, meaning the Vikings lose that first weekend of the playoffs.
#7: GREEN BAY PACKERS
PERTINENT DATA: 11-5 last year, an NFC wild card team, that promptly went to stupid Arizona and lost; 11 to 1 odds to win Super Bowl XLV.
TEAM BRAIN TRUST: As the only publicly owned pro football team, the Packers brain trust is, technically, all those fat slobs wearing cheeseheads and smelling like cheddarwursts sitting in the stands. This actually is a good thing – salt of the earth and all.
FRESH BLOOD: Most of the newness on the 2010 Green Bay Packers is just the 37 dudes who were injured last year returning. Still though, even if only a 3rd round pick, CB Morgan Burnett is the latest heir apparent to the long-running Packers theme of dreadlocked dudes intercepting fools in the cold of Wisconsin, as soon as his body adjusts to the move from Georgia Tech to Wisconsin.
DRUNKEN SOUL: They have handed the keys to the franchise over to Aaron Rodgers. And this year, they seem to have all the dents fixed and changed the fuel filter and spark plugs so they can run full speed. It is his team now, and everyone wants to see him make Favre look like a punk ass. Also though, Nick Barnett is a scary yet loveable white dude linebacker. He is also their soul.
THE DEION: There is not a bad egg amongst this batch of footballers, so in order to keep up with the ridiculous parameters I have set for myself in these previews, let’s throw starting T Chad Clifton under the bus, because he is always injured, and that damages the goods that is Aaron Rodgers prematurely.
TEAM ELDER: WR Donald Driver was a 7th round draft pick in 1999 out of Alcorn State, which I think is some sort of agricultural compound for black students in the south.
WILD SAMOAN: No outright Samoans, because it is cold in Wisconsin. Very cold.
THE ICKY: There is B.J. Raji, which sounds like a reverse Dirty Sanchez from the female’s perspective. But mostly there is the dude named Atari Bigby, who is the best-named dude in the NFL two years running (since Mack Strong retired).
’80S MOVIE ANTAGONIST: Mason Crosby, pro football kicker or chronic date raper circa 1983?
RAP VIDEO JERSEY FANTASY: Lololol, there is no rap music in Green Bay. You are wearing a #12 home white Aaron Rodgers jersey, driving a Winnebago with Michigan plates that has a grill built onto the back end with sausages grilling on it spelling out “F*** Favre”, with a home fermented gallon jar of sauerkraut right beside the boombox playing homemade best of collections of Frankie Yankovic, the King of Polka.
NFLUMINATI KARMIC FACTOR: It is the Packers. Their name comes from a meatpackers union, and they are publicly owned, so they are not top tier NFLuminati, due to their communist public good ties. But they are still upper echelon. Plus 4 factor.
CRYSTAL METH BALL: The Pack is back, going 12-4 this year, winning the NFC North ahead of the Favre-misled Vikings. They will be good enough to avoid a wild card round game, and slug their way into the Super Bowl as NFC Champions, but ultimately lose in Cowboys Stadium, like always.