Most of these losers are pretty slovenly sorts, the kind who wouldn’t get on a treadmill if it was covered in pizza. But Goronchev demonstrates that even if you work out, you can still be a huge loser. This utterly smug, prematurely balding douchebag took YouTube by storm with his painful videos narrating his boring sexual fantasies. When the good citizens of the Internet responded by telling him what a giant tool he was, he declared “intellectual checkmate” and started deleting his videos like a bitch. Then Fox News actually had him on to discuss “cyber-bullying,” which made everything even funnier. Watch one of his most lulzworthy clips.
Jennifer Diane Reitz
We’re all in favor of people being able to choose just about any ding-dang identity they want here on Heavy. It’s a free world, you know? But in the case of Jennifer Diane Reitz, the choice was pure evil. The fact that she’s a transgender woman is the least of her worries – more cogent to our discussion is the fact that upon the sale of her website HappyPuppy in 2002, she used the million plus dollars that she raked in to buy a shack and completely fill it with video games, anime and various other weeaboo bullpuckey. Combine that with her refusal to ever work a real job, instead depending on the male unit in her three-way polyamorous marriage, and you’ve got a real winner. But the cherry on the cupcake is the passive-aggressive wonder above, where she blames the very same dude for not taking all of his free time to program her bananas video game concepts and writes him apologizing to her. Classy.
While you go through this list, you may find yourself asking “What is wrong with these people?” Most of them, sadly, are just dumb. But in the case of Reymon14, YouTube superstar, there must be something else. With a bizarre voice that sounds like Peter Lorre in a rock tumbler, Reymon’s endless, incomprehensible vlogs usually either involve him mashing his WWF figures together in spastic fake fights or insane addresses to his viewing public accompanied by some of the worst drawn-on mustaches of all time. Throw in a televised suicide attempt (method of death: eating pencil lead and drinking nail polish remover) and you have a true hero. Here’s a Greatest Hits.
Comedy: it isn’t pretty. And it especially isn’t pretty when somebody like Daniel Songer does it. In video after video, the Georgia native steps in front of the camera, wipes the flop sweat off of his beefy brow, and delivers the most terribly unwatchable garbage that YouTube has ever seen. From “parody songs” bellowed in a voice that will remind you of Sloth from The Goonies to rambling, unfunny jokes with no discernable punchline, Songer does it all. Over and over again. 132 videos as I write this. Let that sink in a second. Watch this sample video and despair.
There could be no other choice to close out this list. Christian Weston Chandler, aka Chris-Chan, is like every horrible thing about the Internet made flesh. Lives with his parents, sponges off the government and uses the cash for PlayStation 3 games and sex toys, walks around the mall with his Game Boy looking for girlfriends, posts incoherent YouTube videos of himself humping an anime bodypillow and yelling “Oh, Julie,” the list will go on forever. C.W.C. is the ne plus ultra of Web losers. Here’s a sample.
Check out our 20 Worst Archive for more hilarious fail.